holding down the sand castle: Saturday, July 26: Countdown to Arrival of the J-Crabs & Grandma MK!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Saturday, July 26: Countdown to Arrival of the J-Crabs & Grandma MK!

10:00 p.m. (Friday): Steam treatment of Croupy Charlie
2:20 a.m. (Saturday): Repeated steam treatment (aka "Iron Shower Lung")
5:36 a.m.: Awake to get a jump-start on the morning.
6:00 a.m.: Shower for Croup-boy.
7:35 a.m.: Depart for Naval Hospital for follow-up peds appointment. I'm so compliant it pains me.
7:53 a.m.: Check in at clinic. Lots of waiting with Tim and Charlie while corpsmen run amok.
8:15 a.m.: See doctor. Confirmation that C has a viral enemy with a particularly gnarly-looking throat (which the doctor wants me to see, too. Gee, thanks).

9:10 a.m.: Von's run with the T & C Show.
9:50 a.m.: Home, offload groceries, await sitter.
10:00 a.m.: "Where's ______ (sitter)?" questioning begins, courtesy of Tim.
10:35 a.m.: Completely weary of the above torturous questioning, call sitter with a "It's 10:36, you were supposed to be here at 10."
10:44 a.m.: Exhausted from the sobbing on the phone and the increasingly-panic-ridden Tim (while I'm trying to hear the sitter), hang up the phone. Spend next, oh, several hours recalibrating Tim for a day of no sitter. Patty Kiki quickly volunteered to come sit with him (hearing the hitting and shrieking) so that he wouldn't have to accompany me to the "scary airport".

Ed Note: While I have great empathy for our sitter having another 102-fever on a second consecutive Friday evening, I am pretty disappointed that she didn't call me when she realized she was febrile again so that I could plan my day and prepare Tim accordingly. The issue of 8-hours without the anticipated assistance is one thing, the issue of having explosive rage/panic/upsetment was TOTALLY preventable. (She of everyone has witnessed him fly off the handle with miniscule changes to his expectations -- contrary to popular media, for Tim it's not the routine that matters -- but rather what the adrenaline rush of surprise and change in routine that allows us to enjoy the Rhapsody on a Theme of Panganini nearly daily).

Somewhat amusing anecdote: Tim adores Patty Kiki (and her entire clan) and would likely move with them if offered the option. Alas, Charlie is highly-suspect of Patty Kiki's motives, tactics, and sense of humor. So, Tim -- in full panic mode -- is begging for "Mrs. ______" over and over throughout the day. Meanwhile, each and every Tim-utterance-on-subject brings Charlie flying through the house to establish his preferences "No Mrs. ______, No Mrs. ______! Mommeeeeeeee stay wif Chah-lee." It's an autism debate that no one can win. After about an hour and a half of this oh-so-creative banter, Charlie snaps into verbal mode (maybe a fever?) and says, "Mrs. _____ is mean. Trapped!" Of course, Patty Kiki and I giggled our fannies off later over this one. I was proud of the language and communicative intent; Patty Kiki, like the Crab Queen, wears the mantle of meanest-mom-in-the-hood with pride and style. Like either of us want to be popular with the diaper-wearing set?!

Lunch.
Cleaning.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Trash/recycling.
Paperwork.

Special Highlight: My advocate's bill came. Let's just say I owe the equivalent of another retainer for the IEP.

Very Special Highlight: The ambulance bill came from 6/27's run of Tim. Instructed him to sign in the patient box. He printed. The real highlight is that the James Joyce writing muse struck him and he elected to begin to write the sentence, "Can we go to 7/11 with Mrs. M---- today, Mommy?" across the bottom of the insurance billing paper.

3:15 p.m. Patty Kiki arrives to finalize Jack's camping gear with me. (And, I suspect, confirm that I did not insert any unapproved items and to ascertain that I'd indeed given the boy some money, chapstick, a waterproof camera, etc.)

3:30 p.m. Tim and I run to the CR-V (trying to be clandestine) to go to 7/11 for "a treat" (Tim) and "cash" (me, for Jack). That wily Charlie, never to be outsmarted, hollers bloody-murder as he sees the hardly-cat-burglar-esque brother and mother abandoning him. Patty Kiki intercepts him as he crashes into the front screen door, attempting pursuit. The last words I hear are Patty Kiki's "GO....FAST!"

3:40 p.m. Return to a quiet house. Slip Patty Kiki a lollipop to reinforce his quietness. The report: only 2 minutes of frenzied yelling before he turtled inside his t-shirt for a couple more minutes of reorientation. He was none the worse for wear and, in fact, verifiably not "trapped" (unless his failed egress counts as "Trapped!").
3:50 p.m. Phone rings: Eagle has landed. So Charlie and I load up to fetch the J-crabs and Grandma.
4:15 p.m. They are awaiting us, luggage in hand. It's a special reunion. A hyper-verbal reunion. A reunion chock full o' discussions about gum, airport food, behavior, etc. Truly a bit overwhelming to have 3 people who talk land in the midst of the Zone of Predictable and Limited Conversation.

Home. Showers. Feeding. Medicines. Much deliberation by Grandma about her preference for 9 a.m. Mass (vice 7:30 a.m. Mass). She appeared quite perplexed at my weary forfeit to "fine, we'll do 9 a.m. then." (See Sunday post.)

Highlight of Reunion: 1 hour of my life expended in the Pre-Camp Lecture: What Your Mother Packed and Where to Find It (subtitled: $20 for basketry only, $5 for emergeny, $12 for spending on junk -- come home with less than $5 and find out how wicked half your DNA-contribution can be, come home without the $20 AND without a bee-you-tea-full basket project completed and again, find out how wicked the Crab Queen can be -- but oh, yeah, I missed you).

Reunion Honorable Mentionables: Grandma's conviction that the Queen will have precipitous labor and have LLGA in our front yard. Grandma's worry that no neighbor will be around to drive me to the hospital and that the Queen will have to be transported in an ambulance. (To which I asked, "wouldn't a taxi do?") Grandma's stern dictate that the Queen is frittering around and ought to have a proper hospital bag packed ALREADY. Grandma's decided opinion that we (meaning the Queen) doesn't have enough dependable/available childcare providers.

Be it known that the Crab Queen is, officially, a slacker.

1 comment:

Patty SW said...: Hip Hip HOORAY! I am SO happy and relieved!

When the Crab Queen's mum has successfully caused an quantity of adequate carers to emerge from the proverbial woodwork (whichever quantity she fancies) -- you know an adequate carer: one who will never breathe illness on a crablet's head (or in the airspace of the Queen), who will be reasonably on time, finding the ability to stay through the entire shift, and lives to serve happily for an eternity in the castle for not much more than minimum wage (and a headache), please send the miracle-worker to me. (I'm closer!)

Now that the bags of J-Crab, Sr. are packed, crack to packing yours, Crabbie!; July 27, 2008 at 1:10 PM

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Welcome, Newcomers.

The "Sand Gloss" glossary below identifies the cast of characters and may assist in following the antics described herein.

This blog initially began as a "Deployment Journal" -- a way to keep our far-flung family and friends updated about our brood and as a companion to my hubby's own deployment mass-communication.

It has since evolved into more photographic journalism with the birth of Lucy. The "castle" is best understood in chronological order.

"Followers" are most encouraged. (That means you, Patty Grace/Kiki/Triplets!) All, please feel free to contribute; I welcome comments as they are usually wittier and more urbane than my posts.

Sand "Gloss"

Gloss = slang for glossary. I am providing this handy-dandy decoder for those of you who have indicated a need to be educated. I will add to this gloss as questions are forwarded or as new gloss is manufactured.

APC = Aunt Patty Cake. The Queen's younger sister. Technically, we should probably refer to her as "Princess Patty Cake." Definitely in the running for AOTY (Aunt of the Year) nationwide. (For further background information, please see "Patty" entry below).

Ass power = Ass power can be defined as the most powerful form of inertia. It can help you survive a tough class, an ignorant person, or another "worst-case scenario". I suppose you could call it "perseverance" but that's so close to the word "perseverative" and, besides, it's just more fun to incorporate the word "ass" into everyday speech.

"Audacity of Awesomeness" = The title of Sand Crab's fictional work of non-fiction, as coined by Pat Eric. Suggested as an entree to meeting visiting dignitaries (i.e., Senator Obama). Specific usage, "Have you read MY book, The Audacity of Awesomeness?" Meant to suggest that Sand Crab is not only possessing of awesomeness but also that he has audacious amounts of this quality.

A-word = Autism spectrum disorders, any and all, including Pervasive Developmental Disorder, PDD/NOS (not otherwise specified), Autism, Asperger Syndrome, and anything else the DSM creates to describe difficulty with social relatedness, language and acquisition of adaptive skills. Hate the game, not the player.

Big-Boy Briefs = Male equivalent of "Big-Girl Panties" (below).

Big-Girl Panties = Being an adult. Summoning one's at-risk maturity to do something unpleasant, to brave adversity, or even to speak to someone who potentially ruined a career of someone near-and-dear. No actual costume change required as fictional undergarments are implied.

BFF = Best Friends Forever. Clearly, there is sarcasm intended when I suggest that NSA (National Security Agency) analysts, who I am certain listen in on some of the Combat Crab-to-Crab Queen rants, er, calls, are my BFFs.

Big Sled Dog = Eldest crablet.

Cake = Besides being APC's surname (and wouldn't THAT be enough of an honor), in the Crab Queen's opinion, this is Nature's Most Nearly Perfect Food. Hence, worthy (and disasterous) cakes are occasionally inserted in this blog to remind readers of the benefits of a high-frosting diet and the art form that a good cake can offer.

Cake-eyes = Wide-eyed, wildly-euphoric expression. Positively correlated to the presence of a store-bought cake. Believed to be a dominant gene passed along the maternal family line.

Cake vultures = Plural. Persons who happen upon a tasty, frosted baked good and suddenly transform into a well-behaved, eager potential cake-eater. Alas, this behavior often expires with the disappearance of the serving of cake.

Chore = Expected task that crablets will perform in exchange for food, shelter, clothing, transportation, education, extracurricular activities, healthcare, and occasionally candy or sugar-based sodas. Further reinforcement in the article of electronic entertainment, unusual reward, or financial compensation is excluded.

Combat Crab = A nifty reference for Ben. It avoids the need to attribute rank; however, he will cease to be called "Combat Crab" when he turns in his "Battle-Rattle."

Commander Crab = Navy rank equivalent to Lieutenant Colonel Crab. With the trading in of a thin stripe for a thicker one (and coloration change of collar insignia) effective 9/8/08, Pa Crab is no longer Major or Lieutenant Commander Crab. Basically, here in the Castle, we like to have as many possible pseudonyms in play at any one time as possible.

Countdown = See also "Splashdown". Definition #1: To look forward with gleeful anticipation to reunification of Familia Crab. Definition #2: To realistically plan for homecoming by gently, systematically reminding Returning Crab of CQ's fiscally-liberal spending habits and crabby nature; Big Sled Dog's disinclination to Respect the Drywall; J Crab, Sr.'s sheer flakiness; J Crab, Jr's propensity for All Behaviors Surly; Charlie's skills in age-equivalencies; and LLGA's distrust of all adult males.

Crabiot = A crablet acting like an idiot. And by idiot, I mean acting like he's neither met a behavior plan nor remembered the reinforcer (e.g., Wii) he'll be forfeiting.

Crablet = Offspring of Sand Crab & the Missus. Often used in the plural because, as Sand Crab often notes, QUANTITY has a QUALITY all its own!

Crab Queen = Mrs. Crab (me).

The 'Der = (Der) Weinerschnitzel. A fast-food establishment that serves cheap n' cheerful hot-dog-centric fare. The staff of no fewer than TWO locations know me by my order (chili fries with NO CHEESE and a medium Pepsi), which LLGA apparently considers in utero soulfood.

Dumb-ass Doughnuts = Not just for breakfast anymore, these baked goodies are a close culinary cousin and frequent accompaniment to "Jack-ass Juice". Ingestion of said doughnuts grants ingestor the propensity to say dumb things and do dumb things. Example: Remove mandatory spectacles from bridge of nose whilst still under the visual surveillance of one's grandmother and resident "hall monitor!".

Fabuloso (TM) = 1. Trademark-protected, lavender-scented, cleaning product concentrate. 2. GMK's leading weapon in the War Against the "Kids' Bathroom Smells Like Urine", which overwhelms anyone with a functional olfactory system. (As in the "fabulous cleaning product" is WAY more intense than the lingering parfum of Eau des Enfants). 3. Prospective name for LLGA if Sand Crab doesn't rally since the trademark only applies to products for sale, not babies. 4. A basic catch-all reference, intended to imply a "fix" for whatever ails you -- commensurate with Windex (TM) from My Big Fat Greek Wedding in the hands of the father.

GMK = 1. Acronym for Grandma Mary Kay. 2. She Who Has Temporarily but For a Prolonged Period Forfeited a Lifestyle of Carefree Retirement to Slavishly Ply the Boys' Bathroom with Copious Amounts of "Fabuloso" Cleaner, Make Near-Daily Jaunts to Von's Grocery, and Ensure that Any Morsel of Uneaten Food is Lovingly Packaged in Foil or Baggies and Saved in the Back of the Refrigerator for Posterity. All This While Sleeping on a (High-Quality) Leather Sofa Since the Luxurious Raised Queen Aerobed Remains Unshipped By Amazon Despite Its Early July Order Date. 3. Woman Desperately Deserving of a Blog Pseudonym. (Nominations Being Accepted).

Great Pottery Barn Kids (TM) Stocking Debacle (heretofore known as, GPBKSD) = 1. Severe disappointment made worse by the anticipation of a UPS delivery. 2. A promise delivered only in portions...portions guaranteed to drive "Whole Sets Only" Crab Queen into conniptions. 3. Evidence that there's almost always a solution to be found ... just not necessarily able to be produced by someone at a 1-800 phone number. 4. A reason to cry in front of one's mother-in-law. YIKES.

IA = Individual Augmentee, or why Sand Crab is playing Army guy in the sandbox.

IEP = Individualized Educational Program. What the District promises to provide each special education student, under federal law (called the IDEA), will be provided in order for the student to receive a FAPE (free appropriate public education). Entails lots of paper, meetings, and heartburn.

Jack-Ass Juice = What crablets and their pals drink that incites acts of pure stupidity. Something other than genetics or poor child-rearing to explain inane behavior, opinion, or statement exuding from one's offspring. Credit to Patty Grace's Great-Uncle?

J-Crabs = The duo of Jack and Jamie.

LLGA = Lovely Little Girl A--------n. Kudos to Patty Lisa NYC for the acronym that is infinitely speedier to type than the alternative: "inbound and much-heralded female crablet currently still in utero." Kudos to Patty SW for the real down-low: The Little Baby with the Unpronounceable Name.

Major Crab = Yet another pseudonym for our hero, the Sand Crab. Not intended to suggest that he has transferred into the US Army, as he remains a Naval officer.

MOTY = Mother of the Year. A fictitious competition which awards prizes to mothers who, among other criteria:
pick spending time with their offspring on Mother's Day to running to the mall or spa;
enjoy cooking meals for their picky-eater offspring, kneading, mixing, cutting, and generally slaving away with love and good humor;
volunteer endless hours with teachers who do not call the maternal one a b-word in the teacher's lounge;
drive the vanpool and never-never use questionable language or indirect threats toward passengers under the age of majority;
iron their children's clothing for other than special occasions;
tie their children's shoelaces without commenting, "aren't you old enough to have figured this skill out by now?";
have dollar-bills at the ready awaiting last-minute lunch account emergencies, school library fines, and the ice cream truck music from the street outside;
never-ever miss a dose of medicine;
never-ever forget an appointment;
refrain from semi-apoplectic hollering when Sweet Offspring neglect to plan ahead for a massive school project;
have a supply of poster board, tri-fold display boards, glue sticks, markers, colored pencils, scallopped bulletin board edging, and an at-the-ready, brand-new color cartridge just aching to be used to print out internet images and articles;
at all times have healthful snacks available (whether at the park, in the car, in the lunchbox, or in the kitchen) and plentiful choices of same;
tend to their ill children with love and constant surveillance (rather than handing the child a stockpot and getting other things done);
read to their obedient offspring each night with patience and enjoyment;
limit their progeny to one TV show or DVD per week;
firmly but lovingly implement a consistent disciplinary program including taking away that single opportunity at the electronic babysitter (TV) when required;
and
never once has said, "You're lucky to have a house to live in with a family like us!"

Mouse-piss = GMK's husband's euphemism for the omnipresent-in-the-Castle 32-oz. bottles of Target-brand (TM) hand sanitizer.

Nguyen = Certifiably crazy parking troll; verbal altercation was topic of posting c. May 27th.

OOO = Out of Order. Meaning my blog posting. Occasionally, the behavior of the characters therein.

Pat ____ = Characters of the male persuasion that make more than one appearance in this blog and that I find easier to nickname than to describe. (Exceptions: Darrin, because to nickname him would dilute the power of his given name; Pate, because he's worn an Easter Bunny costume in the name of A------n children joy; and Patrick, because, Pat Pat just sounds wrong).

Patty ____ = Female characters that make somewhat routine appearances in this blog. See definition of Pat. (Example: Aunt Patty Cake, who is indeed an aunt to crablets).

PITA = Acronym for "Pain in the Arse". Probably should've been PITS (pain in the shell) but I wasn't clever enough. Besides, Pita rhymes with Rita!

Plague = Just what it sounds like. Any curse, infestation, illness, misfortune, significant inconvenience, malady, et cetera that afflicts the Family Crab courtesy of the lightning rod of bad luck affixed to our roof OR the cold, hard fact that Sand Crab's real name is Job.

POA = Power Of Attorney. That document that sets me apart from just a wife ... changing me into COMNAVWIFEPAC, a woman able to leap small buildings, tackle medium problems, and buy BIG ticket items (vans, houses, LAND).

Potato/Spud/Tuber = Reference to the World's Dumbest Sex Ed (oh, I mean "Family Life") Project in which Jack had to carry around a 'tater in a shoe box for weeks.

Roundinia = A mystical, magical land where one's social status is positively correlated to the apple-ness of one's cheeks. In short, a place where Lucy is the ruler of all she surveys and her bidding is done, spit-spot, in order to elicit a grin.

Sand = Except when used with "box" and "castle", a place-holding word for any one of numerous expletives. After all, this is a Family Blog. Usage includes: singular or plural noun, verb, adjective, and even adverb. Often used with hyphens to convey extra-gritty adventures.

Sandbox = Iraq or surrounding desert lands, unless reference to Charlie is made and then please assume that he is in a pile of sand right here in So-Cal.

Sand Castle = Our quarters here in military family housing or the place we call home.

Splashdown = Return/Reunion/Homecoming after protracted absence. Significant features include: * Non-deployed spouse will not have evolved into a supermodel, much to the disappointment of deployed spouse; * Exaggerated expectations of the loveliness of one's family members; * Myopic memories of the helpfulness of one's deployed spouse; * Suppressed recollection of how noisy, visually-chaotic and smelly the crablets are; * Development of an overly-ambitious "honey-do" List; * Overwhelming pile of deployment-smelling, all-one-color laundry that will need a home; *Realization that encroachment of closet space and drawers has occurred; * Outward conveyances of both frustration at the encroachment and reversal of encroachment; * Tendency for returning spouse to want to revisit financial decisions (or conduct a casual audit of statements) that can only End Badly; * Overeagerness on part of returning spouse to hook up a Big Orange Chute to the house and offload what has been packratted by non-deploying spouse; and *Reluctance on part of non-deploying spouse to part with packratted items. See also: Countdown.

Therapies = OT is Occupational Therapy; PT is Physical Therapy; SLP is Speech Therapy; ABA is Applied Behavior Analysis (good luck understanding that one); and DTT is Discrete Trial Training (ditto).

Therapists (not defined above) = AT is Assistive Technology; and APE is Adaptive Physical Education (or spec ed PE).

UNSAT = Navy-ese (or perhaps Military-ese) for the word "unsatisfactory." The word is not intended to be uttered, but spat from one's cake-hole. Since you cannot really spit a multi-syllabic word like "un-sat-is-fac-tor-y", it is "Un-SAT". Rhymes with "SPAT". Try it. You'll adopt it into your everyday lexicon in no time flat. (If on the receiving end, take a step back or face the incoming salvo of spittle).

"Virtual Jamie" = Akin to Jack's "mini-me" (aka, Spud), this character entered the Castle on 2/24/09. He is both a virtual buddy AND a potential weapon as he has a long wooden stick extending downward from his grape. But, as an improvement on the actual Jamie, our "Virtual Jamie" doesn't back-talk or scowl -- as a pert smile permanently graces his face. (Sadly, "Virtual Jamie" is not much at putting away laundry or picking up toys...and doesn't have much of a Little League future ahead of him). But he's cheap, cheerful and brings our offspring to an even half-dozen...so he stays until he splinters.

Wal-Mart (TM) Moment = Represents the most-public of "told-you-so" moments. Let's say that you get into a verbal banter with one's spouse or immediate family member. Let's say that the spouse or immediate family member has taken a position that is so ridiculous or patently false that it causes beyond normal levels of consternation and cannot be let go without providing hard, irrefutable evidence that, for lack of better description: "I'm right, s/he's wrong." So to provide indemnification for the slighted party (i.e., the one who was right and had to endure massive annoyance over the other party being STOOPID), the K------a family has arrived at a (as-yet theoretical) fix: The Wal-Mart (TM) Moment. Now for the "How-to" part of the definition...First, family piles into various vehicles with destination of Wal-Mart (TM)'s parking lot.
Second, family spreads out throughout lot to notify the loiterers and other lingering greater public that there is about to be a give-away of Copenhagen (or Skoal) chewing tobacco (and provides the coordinates of the proved-correct and proved-wrong parties). Third, once a reasonable crowd of chew-longing persons has assembled, the right party (again, theoretically) would have his/her hiney kissed by the wrong party. Fourth, as additional justice, everyone points at the wrong party and says the whole Copenhagen Stunt was his/her idea and they face an aggrieved throng of deprived nicotine-cravers. The issue of whether a winter-on-the-frozen-tundra Wal-Mart (TM) moment is equitable was decided that while the spectators are somewhat less enthusiastic and numerous, the wind chill factor compensates. In winter conditions, (again theoretically), the wrong party is required to drop trou and the right party remains bundled in umpteen layers.

Wii = Electronic gaming system, manufactured by Nintendo, with various games and accessories available. Retails at $350 or so, depending on where you can actually find it in stock. Essentially, the procurement of said item would be a J-Crabs' Dream-Come-True and, thus, will not. (Amended definition: Purchased for $250 by one S. Claus. The Dream-Came-True but is frequently in Time-Out).

Care Packages for Sand Crab?

Please note NEW address again (effective 10/2008):

CDR Ben A--------n
HQs, MNF-I CJ5
APO AE 09342

Did you know?

USPS offers a package of free packing materials, including 10 boxes, 10 customs forms with envelopes, 10 "Mili-Pac" shipping envelopes, which are specially printed to reflect the complexities of military mailing addresses, and a roll of Priority Mail tape.

To order the special kit, call (800) 610-8734 and request Care Kit 4. The Postal Service will ship it by Priority Mail, with delivery generally within a couple of days.

Although the packing materials are free, shippers must still pay normal postage costs.