For the Crab-Grand-daddy: I don't care who you are, that's funny!

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13... OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?

19. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

20. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

21. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

23. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Open Letter to LLGA/M-ELA/Lucy

Dear Not-so-Little Baby with the Vast Assortment of Nicknames,

You've only been out and about for about as long as we knew you existed. This simple fact makes this exercise more challenging than I'd have expected. After all, one would think I'd have quite a stockpile of hopes, dreams, and girly-secrets to pass along. Especially having waited "so long" for a like-gender offspring.

Sure, your femininity offers some obvious observations. Trivial ones, such as my eureka! discovery that pink lint is more satisfying to peel away from the lint trap than grayish-blue lint. Practical ones, such as the cruel fact that diaper changing takes about 3-times as long with a pink-wearing tot. (Just when I'd reached Olympian-calibre Diaper-changing records, this 7 lb. 11 oz. curve ball knocked me back from the plate). Scary ones, that dawn upon me every time another young girl is kidnapped or mistreated. Our gender seems to have a higher propensity for this type of senseless tragedy. And whatever-you'd-term the ones that cause me to forget and then remember with surprise that I'm no longer the mom-with-all-the-boys.

Sorry, little baby, for all the times I've already called you "he", "him", and finally run down the list of boys' names before hitting upon a female equivalent. If you don't respond to your name, it's not just because there's such a myriad from which to pick -- it's probably because "Charlie!" worked for us more than once. For someone shopping Daily Tea, Gymboree, The Children's Place, and Hanna Andersson with aplomb and a keen ability to click "girls" this mental block to verbalizing feminine words is a bit enigmatic to contemplate.

But even as I dig out from a pile of girly hand-me-downs (girl moms seem to have more saved and preserved items to pass along than boy moms) and mentally prepare (in truth, gird my loins) for the eventuality that you may wear a foo-foo tutu or more likely, hit with a pink bat while wearing a pink batting helmet, it is reassuring to note that babies are babies. I don't know how long that will continue, but for now, it's comforting to reflect that Papa hasn't missed the Really Big Stuff.

For the fourth time (as I still have Jack's Open Letter to pen), I think "What Would Erma Write?" Here goes:

Despite the shortest time to do so, I always loved you best.

You were the only one of our babies to be fully analyzed before you were even named. While I'm no fan of the belly-poke required, there's something to "knowing".


You are proof that our Lord has a sense of humor ... or at least irony. You are evidence that St. Jude (Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes, including the pretty unlikely event that a genetic XX would grace our home) still has a lot of pull. You are a living demonstration of the power of intercession to the Blessed Virgin Mary.

You high-fived your OB minutes after your arrival, probably to communicate "way to elbow that med student out of the way...that was getting tedious already."
You gave Papa a full report after your arrival, probably your first, official tattle-tale story. Again, the med student was the likely subject...you didn't have a ton of material just yet.


You are pink. And polka dots. And lace trim. And flowers -- Sweet Heaven, you've been flowers. And those silly clip-bows in your rooster-comb top-knot. You are the beginnings of ringlets. You are blue eyes and the realization that blue is your color.

The description "good girl" seemed predestined for you. Not a screamer. In fact, you've graced more meetings in 9 months than most children will attend before adulthood.



You have made Papa's time in Iraq go a bit swifter on the homefront.
And your presence gives Papa a bit more to anticipate when returning home.


You been welcomed in person by women you will know and hear stories about throughout your lifetime: Grandma Mary Kay. Aunt Patty Cake/Auntie Awesome/Aunt Erin. Tia Kiki. Grandma Susan. Great-Aunt Trish. Great-Grandma Mary. And a group of Patties that most girls could only dream of meeting/meeting someday.



You are, perhaps, the Most Photographed Baby in the World. ("I don't drink yet, but in 20 years and 3 months, I plan to sip a XX. Stay Thirsty, My Friends.")
You are the baby whose audio has too many narrators. You are the baby whose video has random body parts whistle in and out of the frame. You are the baby whose baby book, though pink, resides on the Low Band of Confidence of Completion shelf.

You are a heart-shaped face on a heart-shaped baby-body. You are rolls upon rolls (or hamhocks, as Grandma Mary Kay insists they be called). The symmetry of your ample (in number and size) thigh creases, by the way, indicated perfect hips at a recent well-baby visit. On more than one occasion, I am forced to reckon that an experienced Mama learns something new with every go-round.



You are the latest reminder that life is a gamble. Even as we plot your every developmental milestone with a tiny exhale. Even as we watch you adore your crabby, crazy-cake, chaotic elder brothers. Even as we, internally, get to dream some new dreams -- getting to vary the plot line ever so slightly to incorporate some new possibilities: a First Communion veil, a pair of patent leather Mary Janes, a Cherry Ames reader, a worthy adversary in an eventual quarrel over the depth of a neckline of your prom dress, et cetera. You are above the 97th percentile in something already. That's something, even if only proof that my milk is fatty.

...

You are the end of the line. The final model. We think, we hope, and we pray that everything we have learned over the course of a decade-and-a-half gives you the best possible start on life. We know, we realize, and we understand that everything that has happened to our family in that same time-span gives you some extra degree-of-difficulty points to surmount.


You are you. We don't pretend to know what gifts (or what challenges) you'll bring to us.

We just know that you've already brought such joy.

Love,
Mommy

Combat Crab has reached Kuwait.

And thus begins his transit back to the Castle and, just as importantly, his transformation from a Sand Crab back to a Sea Crab.

OOO: Meeting from Hades

The Crab Queen, when she strays from the Castle's Realm, has a less regal and somewhat less crabby aura. Frankly, people just didn't receive the memo that they are dealing with royalty.

As I've previously posted, I serve on a multi-county Board that is to provide advocacy and oversight for state dollars that fund programs serving persons with developmental disabilities. Alas, this Board suffered a fracture last year that persists.

I arrived, with a tribute to Teresa (mentioned in a prior post) in hand. I presented it during "Public Comment" and realized that my Least Favorite Fellow Board Member was far too busy/intent on completing a "how was my presentation?" evaluation for our guest speaker than with taking 2.5 minutes with remembering a deceased Board member as I had not returned to my chair when she was thrusting her evaluation at the speaker.

One hour and 42 minutes after the meeting commenced, I gave a brief report for the committee I chair and WHAMMO, the sand hit the proverbial fan.

At this public meeting, the CQ received a public chastising for printing a letter that had been agreed upon at one meeting and then approved unanimously at the next, all noticed online with 10-days advance notice at public meetings on (gasp) letterhead. Never mind unanimity. Never mind that 2 other Board members were on the committee. Never mind that the Executive Director was there and suggested and provided the letterhead. Never mind that NO ONE had any issue with any aspect of the actual text sent.

Just the letterhead itself.

Well, without any dinner in my tummy and with a slumbering LLGA next to me and with the late-for-the-CQ hour, I lost my temper. I answered the series of questions posed that were far more consistent with a court proceeding and pretty at odds with Robert's Rules of Order. Then I pretty much lambasted the Chair and Vice Chair for taking this tangent away from our noticed agenda and for failing to give notice to me of their intention to criticize my action and put me on the public spot. My Least Favored Board Member was clearly the antagonist as she had contacted them to make sure that they knew her position on use of letterhead (a red herring, as the Chair later admitted to me, I am subject to special scrutiny and she is out to catch me in a "got 'cha" moment of wrong-doing) and because, when I pointed out I was answering pointed questions without benefit of the letter in front of me, she jumped up, strode around the table (as we sit as far away from one another as possible) and thrust a copy in front of me.

Luckily, a neutral board member spoke up on my behalf -- after I basically flame-sprayed the Executive Board for their micro-managing and lack of professional courtesy -- agreeing that if no one can act in accordance with our By-Laws, Robert's Rules, and the Bagley-Keene Open Meeting Act without getting additional approval for even a simple letter about our intention to grow the committee and how to find out about our committee meetings, then why have committees.

The following day, I received three e-mail messages in support from other Board members. When I talked with the Chair, I extracted an apology from him for his behavior. I left it that he needed to arrange a mediated discussion between my LFBM and me because I am D-O-N-E with her inappropriate and spineless shenanigans.

Stay tuned...

LLGA: Growling at Shredded Facial Tissue (a new Castle talent show entry)

LLGA "dancing"

Two good deeds in one day, and it's not even noon yet.

First, I not-so-kindly but not unkindly required GMK to assist in decision-making on her flight arrangements back to IL. She wanted to mull the options but the CQ was having none of that. Found a reasonable ticket ("only 3 remain at this fare!") on NWA with a total travel time of 6 hours and 10 minutes (not bad at all) with only one connection (at MSP, not bad at all) with departure at noon and arrival at 8 p.m.

Most importantly, while we continue to lack any firm notion of the Combat Crab's return, we will get through the last already-scheduled IEP meeting and most-most importantly, return the long-suffering GMK to her long-suffering husband in time for their anniversary on June 12th.

Second, I (with not minor haranguing) drove in the rain and stood in the rain to submit proof of birthday and verification of residency (4 articles required for each boy) in order for the J-crabs to be considered for All Stars (little league). And the District 32 representatives were no-shows. Whomever is coordinating my MOTY nomination for calendar year 2009, please add this to the litany of sacrifice.

Combat Crab is molting...

Not only his "battle-rattle", which should be turned in within the next several days when he hits Kuwait en route to Virginia.

Nay, my previously Frugal-to-a-Fault spouse has been online ordering and shipping little parcels of non-essential items to the Castle. What will we do now that he is shedding this hair-shirt?

First, his replacement (3rd in a year) iPod arrived.


But then, days later, a Warren Miller SKI VIDEO arrived.


For his next trick, maybe a new CASTLE?? Dare I to dream...

Health Update

GMK - Mild coughing and sneezing this week...we're blaming the dust in the Castle. She took a "nasty spill" mid-week in the midst of a cleaning frenzy (tripping over some sneaky jumbo boxes of diapers). She's not limping but she complained that her head hurt. When pressed for details about hitting her head, she explained that her noggin was not impacted by the fall but that her foot and knee were going to bruise and, ergo, she had a headache. I don't quite follow, but mine is not to understand but merely to chronicle. I ought also point out the bruise doesn't match the locus of impact at all either.

Jack - Cold symptoms (mostly, stuffy-sounding) until Thursday, when he began complaining of sinus headache. This morning (Saturday) mere hours before his horn lesson and baseball game, I heard coughing and felt his forehead and pulled back from the heat. 101.5 and only then he told me he'd taken his temperature last night (Friday), and it was 100.8. It's not enough to feel under-the-weather because I gave him a lecture on Letting an Adult Know as well as a follow-up panel discussion (with GMK) on The Wonders of Tylenol.

Jamie - Finished up his 10-day course of antibiotics and appears to be good. His eyes are an eerie shade of blood-orange red so we dutifully continue the eye drops.

Charlie - Tuesday morning 103.5. Wednesday morning 102.9. Missed this week of school. Still mild cough and a bit tired, but seems to be rallying.

LLGA - Weird rash, including upon fanny, is somewhat resolved. Apparently, "Happy Hiney" concoction was unnecessary.

OOO: Memorial Day Weekend marking another significant occurrence

You know it: Last weekend marked the TWO-year anniversary of the Great Opossums-in-the-Garage Debacle. We celebrated with a ceremonial frantic call to housing upon realizing that the garage door had been left ajar for an unknown duration spanning at least one potential marsupial-party overnight. In lieu of cake, we offered any uninvited guests a cat-food-baited catch-and-release cage in the garage.

Ye who witnessed this epic tale of Woman v. Nature know my healthy respect for the only American marsupial. Many remember the banshee-qualifying shrieking and the awful, awful clean-up...yet few persons under age 15 remember to CLOSE THE GARAGE DOOR BEFORE SUNDOWN! *sigh*

The Week in Pictures

Charlie's Field Trip (from a couple of weeks ago) to the Scripps Birch Aquarium. Charlie is in the front row, 2nd child from the right.


LLGA is such a little boardbookworm.


Starting to become attached to her dolly. Would like to detach the embellishments on dolly's bonnet.

Of course, the J-crabs need to annoy every character within the Castle confines. Poor Dolly was converted to Dolly, Superhero(!) with a cloth napkin cape.


The CQ isn't quite proficient with the replacement digital camera. A practice close up!


Action shot of LLGA playing with tissue. Will post video of her "growling" at facial tissue.



"Lucy, I am pleased for you to make the acquaintance of applesauce, which is a convenient and tasty food."
"Applesauce, meet Lucy, who will spit you out."


Just for APC: She's everywhere and so is her ample fanny. (Using up the last size 4 diapers and Exhibit A proving Why She's Wearing Size 5).


Jamie displaying his "Game Ball" award for awesome outfield performance (no errors, exceptional throws to cut-off, etc.)



J-crabs celebrating a Padres' come-from-behind win during the team's MLB-leading 10-game win-streak.


Jack, patching his Third Eye!





During her well-baby appointment, LLGA discovered her tongue. For the next 24-hours, she was a 25-pound gecko!

GMK -- the Barista??

GMK either reached her limit with the PITA Starbucks order errand (a la Patty Lisa Triplets) or became anxious about the diminishing number of Starbucks storefronts stocking hot chocolates as she returned from a Vons run with economy-sized sea salt, caramel sauce, and whipped cream.

Slowly, we are perfecting the recipe. While not SCSHC from Starbucks, I suspect the Combat Crab (being as Patty Grace might term it "a case of Cheap Bastarditis", though not referring to a Crab at the time) will support the idea of Do-It-Yourself-Daily-Beverages.

LLGA & J-Crabs

J-Crab, Sr.

* E-mail exchange with Jack's sweetheart of a coach, which doubles as evidence that I'm capable of writing an unabrasive e-mail message:

Hi, Coach~
Jack reported that he had a lengthy conversation about All-Stars with you and that he wanted to participate. It was my impression that he wasn't probably a Majors All-Star this year and sort of discouraged him from pursuing it. Not trying to be a mean mom, just trying to help Jack connect with Reality. If I'm way off course, please advise. :-)
CQ

Hi CQ,


The kids are going to vote for 6 players, and the managers are going to pick the remaining 6 or 7 players. Jack has a decent shot at getting one of the last two slots for a few reasons: (1) he’s got a great attitude, (2) he’s smart, (3) he tries his hardest all the time, and (4) he’s a league age 12 so it’s his last shot at it. I told Jack that I’d lobby for him to be in, but I couldn’t guarantee anything because it’s not completely up to me.

I recommend that you put in the paperwork, and let’s see what happens. Definitely best to keep his feet grounded though … just in case it doesn’t work out.

Hope all is doing well,
Coach


J-Crab, Jr.

* Funny story: During his convalescence, Jamie was seen getting a bit of fresh air by practicing his swing in the backyard. During particularly boring times, he was observed by the CQ to be practicing his swing against an Imaginary Pitcher as there was no evidence of a ball thrown and Jack was at school. Best of all and instigating CQ cackling was when Jamie was spotted practicing (pretending) evasive maneuvers at the plate. In other words, Jamie enacted over and over, with variations for whether the "ball" would hit his back, arm, leg, or noggin, what he would do to avoid being pegged.



"Come back, come back!!"


A few happy moments of containment in the playpen.

Video: LLGA on the move, looking chic

OOO: "[School's] Got Talent!" Editorial remarks in italics.

A new reality show that's curling my toes and causing steam to accumulate under my admittedly-ill-fitting shell.

The school in question is Jamie's elementary school.

The talent in question is dubious at best.

To the over-foreshadowed story. It's a long one so settle in with a beverage of your choice and a salty snack. Or combine the taste sensations into a salty/sweet hot beverage available from Starbucks!

A week ago (Tuesday, May 19th), Jamie returned to school after a protracted absence. Tuesday evening, the Castle received a charming recorded message from Jamie's principal announcing that the following day (Wednesday, May 20th), would be the [school]'s Talent Show.

Now the Crab Queen owns most of her flaws, including but hardly limited to the following:
* Prone to Germaphobia;
* Expectation that children whom must be presented by laws of the Great State of California for compulsory education will actually derive educational benefit from the time crablets are under the instructional control of the School District; and
* Worsening cynicism and disdain for the crazy-shell notion to equally reward all children whether effort or achievement is maximized or not.

When the Crab Queen learned that (and I quote):

"The Talent Show will begin at 8:30 a.m. for first through third grader performances and will continue with fourth and fifth graders performing beginning around 9:30 a.m.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, the Talent Show was not able to be scheduled for evening hours."

one must imagine the reaction was not terribly positive.

By the time I had de-spun enough to reply, the Castle had received another voice recording of the Principal chastising me for Jamie's absence that day.

So I e-mailed:

Dear Principal ~

The purpose of this correspondence is to respond to your voicemail message of this morning, regarding Jamie's absence of even date.

I received a phone call via ConnectEd last evening from an you explaining how this morning (already an early-dismissal day -- meaning 12:00 dismissal) would include a mid-morning "Talent Show". I understood your message to delineate that this "talent show" includes one segment with first through third grade performers and a second for the fourth and fifth grade performers. It was not clear whether students attended only the session featuring their same-age peers or whether they'd watch both. You mentioned that "due to circumstances beyond our control, this event could not occur in the evening." I presume that you did not plan or suggest such an event and that the original plan was to hold this event in the evening. I know that the last thing you would want is to disappoint students and families who looked forward to this event. (Our family's firsthand experience with other elementary schools' "talent shows" suggests that these type of assemblies allow only the departing class to audition and perform and the event occurs during the final week of school).

My son's siblings were treated for the "swine flu" before Jamie became ill himself with flu-like symptoms; he then suffered a secondary infection. Because of guidance I received from the District and our health providers, Jamie missed three weeks of class and was only cleared to return to Sessions yesterday. Given Jamie's protracted absence, he missed the information about try-outs and rehearsals. Your phone message was our family's sole notice of the event; moreover, the school's website (maintained I realize by volunteers) has no reference to a "talent show". So, on Jamie's second day of school, I understood from your message that at least one-third of his instructional day would be forfeited to an event originally contemplated to occur outside the school day.

Given that routine instruction has been interrupted by standardized testing and that the District has seen higher than usual student absence rates, it is my opinion that students deserve a few more days of education before we celebrate the "end of school". We have 37 weeks of school and to wind down with 10% of the year still to unfold strikes me as premature.

Perhaps most importantly, in the midst of a supposed pandemic, I think intentionally gathering large groups of students, parents, staff, and family members into an enclosed space, having children sit on the floor en masse for such an assembly (where many are within that 6' arc of an uncovered cough or sneeze) would not receive a ringing endorsement from Dr. (District's Medical Consultant). This event is hardly a promotion or graduation and, I believe, ought to have been scheduled for an "optional" time. I suspect you share my opinion that this is neither standards-based instruction nor the best way to limit the spread of viral infection. In light of recommendations on reducing the spread of infection, I interpreted the Connect Ed message as your effort to communicate that families not wishing their children to participate should keep their children home.

I may be the sole parent who is chagrined that end-of-school activities have commenced on May 20th to supplant regular instruction for students who already receive fewer days of instruction as well as fewer hours per day of instruction than the national average of their peers. I elected to keep my son at home so as to avoid contracting yet another virus with the understanding that this minimum day offered minimal educational benefit to him.

Very truly,
Crab Queen


Dear Mrs. Crab Quen (sic, she did omit a letter in my surname),

I understand that your family does have extenuating circumstances regarding health related issues. Our district and we at Sessions have taken precautions to ensure that all of our students are being cared for during the school day. Teachers have been instructed to have students wash their hands after recess, before lunch and after lunch. In addition, the teachers have brought in special hand sanitizers into their classrooms to ensure that all of our student’s hands are kept clean. Any student with flu-like symptoms has been and will be sent home. Our school nursing division and the district spokespeople have sent out regular communications to give us an update on the latest information. I have not been told by anyone at the central office level that schools are not allowed to have assemblies due to the concerns for the swine flu. At this point, the swine-flu appears to be in control and that there have been no more instances of school sites having cases diagnosed with this illness. Sessions has not had any cases of diagnosed swine-flu this year.

One of the elements of our International Baccalaureate Program is to bring student action into the school as a result of their learning. The IB organization also requires that we have a well-balanced curriculum where students take on their own learning. As a result, there is an expectation that children share their learning with others in the school setting. Talent Shows are an excellent way for students to showcase this learning opportunity and celebrate their skills. Many of our students participate in the after school programs, our weekly music class and other methods of instruction. The Talent Show has been a long standing tradition at this school before I came on board three years ago and it has been a favorite for the families, the students and the staff. Our Talent Show is not organized as an end of the school year activity signaling that the school year is over. We do tend to have it in May each year because we want our students have plenty of time to prepare. June is typically reserved for field trips, special educational activities and events. For example, on June 5th we are having a World Affairs Day where grade levels will be working together to study a world topic. In Jaime’s grade level, the students will be studying about alternative forms of energy. Also, the students will be listening to a panel discussion regarding education around the world and what access children have to obtain an education. We believe that these activities enhance and enrich the learning of our students. If you would prefer Jaime (Remember the erroneously-spelled award certificate? I think we have found the source, our very own Miss Spelling Bee Champion!) to sit in the nurse’s office during the Talent Show, we will be happy to accommodate you. (GMK, as I read this aloud, exclaimed, "Write her back: "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.") Just to let you know, the Talent Show date was incorrect. The show is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

(No closing required because manners are optional whereas talent shows are mandatory)

Principal

Dear Principal ---:

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my prior e-mail.

It is disappointing that the ConnectEd recording provided me with inaccurate information. I understand from a neighbor that some families received an e-mail alerting them to the corrected information; sadly, our family did not receive such a message. I will visit with the school office about why our e-mail was omitted from that transmission.

I am not in agreement that it is appropriate to banish Jamie (spelled correctly, but bit my typing fingers to the nubs to avoid a blatant, snarky explicit correction) to the Nurse's Office, where he would be in close contact with any identifiably ill children and still not deriving educational benefit from the activity. In the absence of a reasonable alternative to attending a "talent show" and with the perspective that Jamie (they call this "repeated review and drill" in the Special Factors page of an IEP) ought not be "punished" for having chronic health problems, I will keep him home this morning, contact the school office to learn when his class will resume classroom-based instruction, and time his arrival accordingly.

Very truly,
CQ

I didn't even point out the logical flaw in her IB argument as the IB program is new since her arrival and the Talent Show predated her arrival. Pick ONE: either we do the Talent Show for the IB program or we do it because of tradition.

But the VERY best part of this tale occurs on Thursday. Thinking that 10:45 a.m. is a safe time to show up with Jamie, I present him in the office only to learn that the fourth and fifth graders had JUST begun and that it would be another hour -- Did I want Jamie to wait in the, oh yeah, NURSE'S OFFICE?

I smiled, tightly, and took Jamie home until after lunch.


----------
I still question what possible "talent" a reasonable person would expect to be shared by a primary-grade student and whether viewing such "talents" provides any benefit to the student spectators.

Next Crabby stop: The "School Improvement Officer".

OOO: Friday morning...Cognitive Dissonance

Oh, Jai-me, sweet Jai-me.

Subsequent postings will fill in the details but let it be known that the CQ is officially whack-a-doodle.

This morning, a mere 1/3 hour from his departure for school, I received a phone call from my 3rd child. (Otherwise operating under the codename, "Tied for Least Favored Child Status"). In a small, squeaky and generally pathetic voice, he asked,

"Um, Mommy, can you bring me a sack lunch and come to school and sign my permission slip so that I can go see High School Musical II? Please? Like right now??"

Sure enough, we established that he had not provided the form in question to me. We also established that he had failed to make "Um, Mommy" aware of the need for a specially-prepared lunch. And we established that "Most Dearest Mommy" would bring the lunch and sign the form. Oh, never fear, we established that he so owes me.

GMK made a lunch and LLGA/Um, Mommy drove up and handled things. All the while suspecting that I was doing a full-reversal of last week's position on grab-fanny, catch-a-germ, why-educate activities.

This statement will be fully understood when I have the time, strength, and serenity to post the Epic Saga of the Talent Show (where Talent should be imagined to be uttered in a maximally sarcastic tone and with my claws creating ginormous air-quotes).

OOO: Thursday, May 28 - part I.

Awakened. Grumpy about the day of running about.

Grumpy because the baby kicked 1/3 of the breastmilk-based cereal all over the floor (I was momentarily distracted by Jack and allowed my cereal-holding hand to enter the LLGA Flail Zone).

Grumpy about Tim's medicine-taking behavior.

Then LLGA spit up her entire jar of bananas. My prior definition of grumpy was cast aside in favor of THIS grumpy. It was 8:10 a.m.

In the next 20 minutes, I wavered between not attending the meeting, trying to participate telephonically, and going with LLGA, hoping she'd hurl at the meeting. The latter would represent a whole new strategy, an entirely novel front on my intermittent battle.

At 8:53 a.m., LLGA and I presented ourselves at Jack's middle school. Face-to-face with this new Ident-a-Kid photo sticker badge system. Needless to say, my badge portrait countenance was, in fact:

Guess?

GRUMPY.

Should have just typed in Crabby Grumpypants instead of my real name.

Arrive in the media center and discover, LO!, I'm the only one there besides the frantic case manager. Nothing is working -- not the projector, not the speaker phone, and apparently, not the idea of timeliness.

Eventually, the principal, the speech therapist, the Occupational therapist, the ombudsperson, the autism specialist, and a serial parade of teachers. The vision doctor was hung up upon twice before we established the speakerphone connection only to be told to wait because the school-wide announcements were in progress (and no one could hear him). That was pretty ugly as Jack stated the doctor didn't see him for re-evaluation but the doctor stated otherwise. (I believe Jack since he's pretty clear on men vs. women and the doc was a man and Jack saw one woman. That, and I was watching the door and no one but Jack and the female Vision Therapist went in and out). It was also ugly because this fellow tried to opine that 1%ile scoring was "passable". I'll deal with that later.

Here are the teachers:

Band - Jack has mastered the second-most-difficult instrument. He has been selected to Advanced (marching) Band and Orchestra Winds because he has the maturity. In short, he is a model band geek.

Science - Jack's cell project, previously featured, received a B-/C+ . I believe I shot the 19-y-o-looking teacher a stink eye over that. He tried to call me out for not letting Jack view a VHS video that he'd sent home (that the rest of class watched when Jack was absent). I had to fill in the Jack-omitted details that he asked to watch it at 10:30 p.m. on the TV (which castle-followers know is 3 feet from my Aerobed) and I told him to get up early and watch it and he preferred to sleep in.

History - She loves Jack. He's picked a table with the popular/cool/socially-advanced guys and she and the SLP were freaking out that Jack would be the butt of the jokes, etc. As it turns out, Jack has totally enjoyed being there and the kids have been decent to him. Perhaps this explains some of his more teenager-ish behavior. Next year's Seminar History teacher will not be Jack's 6th grade teacher, which is an epic win for us.

English - Not great. Jack's read three slim books all year. This teacher has Jack for Advisory period and couldn't tell the team whether he'd been reading the same "leisure book" all year, as both SLP and I suspect. This teacher also couldn't tell us the focus or what titles to expect from the 8th grade curriculum. The principal looked a bit pained. Jack's writing is sandy.

Math - Jack has nearly an A+ since moving back into Advanced Pre-Algebra at the beginning of 2nd semester. I observed that he doesn't seem to have to try very hard compared to Advanced Algebra I. No argument that he's coasting. And this teacher thinks he'll struggle next year.

PE - Jack is a great addition to the PE program. Nice kid, tries hard. When out of his comfort zone, not so great. The teacher would like to talk with Jack about H.S. athletics because he thinks there's a place for Jack at University City H.S. sports. Track/field or cross-country. Who knew?

Unresolved Issue:
Zero period for next year.

LLGA did not hurl and was, in fact, utterly perfect. Looked at books, gurgled a bit, and then took a one-hour nap. Three hours of meeting without a squawk. Sadly, three hours did not conclude the fun so we've got to meet again. Sigh.

LLGA: 9-month Well-child (or OOO: Thursday, May 28 - part II)

Background (alluded to in prior post): Naval Hospital had a 2-1/2 month wait for a well-child appointment with our Primary Care Manager. Meaning LLGA would have her 9 month check at 11 months. Needless to say, CQ nearly flipped out. The nurse went underground to a provider willing to sneak us into a pediatrician willing to recode covertly the appointment. Meanwhile, I referred her to the Regional Center for evaluation as we've hit the point that we can start seeing social/language issues and I shan't spend time in denial (as I did with Charlie-boy). Not that there's any obvious symptoms of the a-word; however, I'm not counting on anyone to say, "Gee, CQ, she looks a little touch of the a-word."

Yesterday: The pediatric appointment was yesterday. She apparently exhibited just the right amount of stranger anxiety and attachment to me -- in addition to near-standing-alone and decent stare-down with the doctor -- to not meet criteria for a medical referral to Developmental Peds. The doctor did ask whether she got to be around other kids "besides her siblings". Leading the CQ to wonder, mercifully only in her own head and not aloud -- yay for that filtering: Is a-word now contagious??

The stats were consistent: "Huge" but she has hit a plateau and is tracking along an expected growth curve, just one that doesn't appear on the paper!

25 lb. 2.7 oz. (above 97%ile)
28 in. (only 75%ile)
head circumference = 47 cm (also above 97%ile and not a stat families with a-word already embrace)

Alas, the milestone survey was a bit discouraging:

Not playing peek-a-boo (a 5 month skill?)
Not responding consistently to her name (a 6 month skill?)
And so forth.
Even the gross motor skills I'd banked on as "advanced" were only 1 month ahead.
Humph!

So she'll have an assessment from the Regional Center. And, for now, I'm attributing my somewhat pessimistic view to sleep deprivation, missing Combat Crab, a propensity toward waiting for the other developmental shoe to drop, and LLGA's current cold/tummy bug.

OOO: Thursday, May 28 - part III

Clearly, a day of Too Much Running Around. But it wasn't over yet.

For the final feat of the day, I packed up the potentially eruptic LLGA and Jack to attend an Exec Board meeting at 6:30 p.m.

And the meeting went fine. By 8:30 p.m., we were pulling into the Castle's driveway and by 9 p.m., I was enjoying some soup and crackers.

Whack-a-mole: Jamie

The CQ has moments of being, as Jack would say, "not great".

From when he was LLGA's current age, J-crab Jr. has received Physical Therapy of one kind or another. At minimum, he has had orthodic inserts for his feet and it has been recommended that he receive some direct treatment.

The CQ just ran out of steam over the past year-and-change. First, I haven't battled the District for what Jamie needs because I just didn't have the fight in me (and what fight I had was diverted to other crablets). Second, I let an authorization for medical-model PT lapse because I wasn't schlepping Charlie and I didn't envision LLGA's infancy sitting in a waiting room. Please avert your eyes, readers, as the CQ engages in a bit of self-reproach.

So when Little League season rolled around for a second time and Jamie was complaining of foot, hip, and quad pain, I finally sought a referral.

Yesterday, Rady Children's Hospital PT called to schedule us. After 3 phone calls to Triwest, I was able to switch providers to our favorite one-stop-therapy-spot. An hour of my life tracking down the provider's tax ID number that I don't get back!
So this morning, the receptionist from our preferred spot calls and says, "How about today at 1:50?" It's only Jamie's minimum day, only perfect!

So Jamie was evaluated. While he's "functional", he is compensating in such dramatic ways for low-tone, he is at-risk for more and more severe sports injuries. His feet and ankles are doing creative anatomical contortions (contortion is the wrong word but if he was an auto, he'd need an alignment). His stability has worsened. And, most appalling to the CQ, to whom the District has insisted Jamie is doing just fine in PE, Jamie could not complete even one push-up in proper form and his sit-up ("curls") are horrifying to witness. These are considered state curricular standards and Jamie is far below basic proficiency. The PT and PT intern were pretty impressed (not in the good way) by his shoulder "girdle" sagging.

Recommendation: Aggressive PT (2 tx. per week) and Orthodics.

CQ Action Plan: File a complaint of noncompliance with CDE. Hate to, but I've exhausted all other options.

----

On the plus side, I got to see Patty Lisa Triplets in our old stomping grounds...so much has transpired since the Dramatic Incident in the Hedge on the Way to Burger King!

Also on the plus side, it was Old Home Week as I got to show-off LLGA to Charlie-boy's former therapists.

Mantra for the Combat Crab in Preparation for Splashdown:

"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."—A.A. Milne

(From APC, of course, because she reads the Real Simple (TM) Thought of the Day...and forwards it accordingly).

Unfortunately, the corollary is true, so true, here in the Castle most recently surfacing in the Great Rage-filled Hunt for the Green Bulb (Nasal) Syringe, to wit:

"The primary disadvantage of being disorderly is that one is continuously excavating for needed, present-but-hiding items." - Sand Crab

"And having things topple on one's head from the top of the refrigerator!" - J Crabs

New Home-buying Stimulus Plan

Background: The Combat Crab has a dirty little not-so-secret: He's been known to buy a lottery ticket every now and again. Let's define "now and again" as pretty much every time that he has an exceptionally bad day at work when work has him in port. I think of it as $1 for every time his boss has hollered at him. Certainly, some bosses have contributed more income to the State of California than have others.

All that time, aside for some gentle statistical reminders (where gentle includes "are you kidding me?"), the CQ has considered the CC's occasional donations to be much cheaper than many alternative budgetary expenditures. Well, before the Combat Crab discovered skiing. The CQ, to this day, has never played the Lottery.

Until this weekend.

The Story:

After a couple of months of watching our beloved Padre, Tony Gwynn, appearing on Channel 4 San Diego during Padres games making a pitch to help sell tickets for the Ronald McDonald House "Dream Home" raffle, it's official: The Crab Family has succumbed to the enticement of a big pay-out!

The "Dream Home" raffle is a 4600 sq. ft. Del Mar castle. $1.9 million. To raise money for Rady Children's Hospital's Ronald McDonald House (a fine, fine charity), they are selling up to 35,000 tickets to win this house. Tickets are $150 each.

And, now, the CQ and Combat Crab have one ticket.

If ours is the Golden Ticket, then we could theoretically have the Dream House. However, the truth is that we'd take the alternate prize of $1.6 million so as to have the cash to pay the $800,000 in taxes. But we'd have a pretty sweet down payment on a more spacious castle even so.

Initially, Combat Crab groused that we'd be just as likely to "turn [poo] into gold" but when he saw the Dream House (http://raffle.rmhcsd.org/Photos.aspx), he was willing to buy a ticket. Worst case scenario, it's $150 to a good cause. Best case scenario, the J-crabs have already well on their way to spending, spending, spending.

It is always amusing to hear what kids think is the "right" way to spend money. I said we'd probably want to start by giving to those less fortunate. The boys, so magnanimously, said $8,000 to charity (a whopping one per cent) -- "half to the Ronald McDonald House and half to Fisher House". Fisher House is the Naval Medical Center's equivalent of the Ronald McDonald House. Jack was quick to suggest that he could go on the east coast 8th grade trip. Jamie wondered whether we could afford to get a mini-season ticket package for the Padres "because we'd be rich then."

50 ways to spend your down payment...

If you decide to join us as raffle ticket holders, hope you'll list me as your referral -- there's a special Refer-a-Friend drawing. 9 days to buy a ticket for the June 20th drawing.

Wouldn't THAT be a fit welcome home to the Sand Crab!

Photographic Proof: Cake-Eyes Run on CQ's Side of the Family!

CQ's brother's son. Post-cake.

Since some Patty will ask: A yellow cake with chocolate frosting, which is certainly in the top-three of cake flavor combinations in the Crab Queen's opinion.

CQ's new nephew: Introducing Baby Saul

Saul Nathaniel arrived April 28th at 2:22 p.m. (Patty Grace will love that numerology as well as his 7 lb. 14 oz. weigh-in).

I just love this photo of my dear Patty Lisa NYC, her husband Brian, and daughter Ellie:



Wish the Castle was a bit more self-sufficient so I could visit!

Correspondence penned by J Crab, Jr. (today)

Dearest Mom,

Jamie, (I), found this case and disc [a lost Blockbuster rental].
I'm very surprised nobody found it in the basket. Chuckle Chuckle.

P.S. New Dirty Job: Expired Pepsi Can opener.

P.S. Special treats?? Maybe this --> [arrow pointing to a DS game]

From JK Rowling [crossed out]
Jamie A--------n, Comedian

(I've finally wrote on a napkin). [referencing a CQ rant in which I stressed no verbal requests will be entertained, instructing crablets to present requests for privileges in writing]

Correspondence penned by J Crab, Sr. (yesterday)

Mom can J-crabs play Wii if up pick up the living room and put Lucy in her playpen?

???? Wii would like to play





and the CQ's answer:

Wii playing time will be rationed based upon performance of chores, demonstration of courteous demeanor, and usage of proper punctuation. In short, no Wii for you!

Overheard in the Sand Castle: An APC Funny-don't-care-who-you-are!

Q: Why don't the St. Louis Cardinals have their own website?

A: Because they can't get three "w"s in a row!

Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha



Sadly, APC's heartthrob, Ryan Theriot, is on a Cubbies team that could similarly be the butt of that joke.

Video: Additional, Very Special Bonus Feature involving Crablets Waiting for Ice Cream

As Promised: Fun Photo of GMK

If you recall the Sorceror's Apprentice story, the brooms begin multiplying and the mess-making becomes greater and greater, causing a flood. There are some parallels between GMK and the hero of the story -- most obviously, that she has single-handedly stemmed the tide of true chaos. And is still the Most Likely to Clean a Bathroom of the residents of the Castle.

Not to mention that LLGA likes GMK in a "silly hat".

Video: Exhibit A-- LLGA has some cause/effect

Exhibit B-- CQ cannot carry a tune!

Video: LLGA recognizing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Theme Song

Ahhh, waking up on the Aerobed in the livingroom. Jamie again chairs the LLGA Entertainment Committee.

See her clapping??

Video: Waiting for the Ice Cream Truck

with Jamie baby-talking LLGA in the background.

Office Supplies Nirvana.

Where to begin with this story?

Once upon a time, two teenaged girls met. They shared numerous qualities -- intellectual acumen, parents who valued practicality and expected appropriate behavior, and sarcasm far surpassing their chronological ages. They became fast friends and frequent note-passers.

Sister of my brain. Sister of my funny bone.

What does this have to do with office supplies?
For now, kind reader, lots of paper. Read on.

The time for college arrived and one went north while the other went east. For sake of a speedier and slightly less painful tale, let us say that distance, time, and distractions interfered. As many a familiar story unfolds, they lost touch.

A decade and a half -- at least -- from their last exchange, Facebook.com happens.
A friend request from one. Accepted by the other.

Different sorts of tragedies, challenges, and daily routines. But, fundamentally, what has endured the years is what drew them together as teenagers. Same brains. Same wits. And now, a healthy respect for the timing of re-connectivity.

I know, I know. Lovely story of Karma-meets-the-interweb. We'll move on to the real lure: Office supplies.

-----

A couple of months pass and an offer by the Employed One (clearly NOT the CQ) is e-mailed. Would the Combat Crab's office benefit from some office supplies? (Gentle readers, these are legitimate office supplies!) The Combat Crab, ever proud and frugal, declines that others could use them. CQ, back in the Castle, shakes her head, pitying the man she wed would look a gift stapler in the handle.

-----

Another month or so passes when the Employed One of the duo (let's call her Patty Not Rita until a better Castle-name emerges) gives a niece and nephew office supplies that they adore. Hours of fine motor practice. And, if you're a marketing exec in this business, the pediatric demographic represents a bold new frontier. Patty Not Rita contemplates the Castle, thinking that's a pretty densely populated test market and makes another offer. The CQ flapped with excitement, thinking a new stapler and hole punch would be awfully *handy* -- especially with IEP season rolling around.

-----

This Wednesday, our big, bald, burly UPS driver labored to heft a box from his truck to our doorstep. LLGA and I pounced upon it with an excitement generally reserved for hand-me-down girly-girl apparel.






Wow! And I thought we were getting a stapler and a hole-punch!



Aw....the Big Sled Dog is pleased.

Like getting a note in the hallway during passing period. :-)

Patty Not Rita is a HAND MODEL! On this here hole punch package!
Clearly, the CQ is *NOT*!


Oh, were my babies this clean and well-behaved!


Doubt that Patty Not Rita could have predicted the sweet gift of bubble wrap in the hands of J Crab, Sr.


Think American Beauty. Only with folders and matching tab dividers. That and clothing!!





PNR writes: "I figure if I can get all 5 A-------n offspring to be Swingline Savants, we can call it my 'grass roots marketing success'".

University of Illinois colors...nice touch, PNR!



"Markers...markers...markers!!!"


PNR even sent GMK a little goodie. "Oh, Dad will love this!"

The little notes had us giggling.

Like I said, hours of entertainment for Youthful Types. J Crab Sr. still with the bubble wrap. This was snapped right before the Violence commenced.
Wipe boards are like gold in the Castle of Autism! LOVE THEM! (Please note that the CQ lost a TON of hair (in clumps) since LLGA's arrival/Patty Kiki's departure and the fringe in front that looks like Charlie-boy was my most recent stylist is actually a "good sign" as it's growing back finally...but I need to see a professional and fast!)
Magnetic boards, too? We are spoiled!!
LLGA loves a good dry-erase eraser.

Thank you, Patty Not Rita!

-------
NOTE:
"This offer of goodies good only for those with 5 kids, a husband overseas, and who drove a lovely hand-me-down orange Audi in high school. And lived in Merna."

Special and exclusive and a one-of-a-kind care parcel.

------

Liz Lemon (30 Rock) would say to her husband (if LL had one, leading to a 30-minute episode where she had to repair the spousal conflict), "Suck it, monkey-crab! These implements and equipments could have been brightening up your cubicle and crib if you'd played your cards right!"

I suppose there's still a chance for the Combat Crab to return home bearing a gift (i.e., a flag flown over the Embassy or Camp Victory or Camp Liberty, CQ's flexible like Gumby) and score some cool blue staples that could match his USS G----y stationery.