Big-Boy Briefs = Male equivalent of "Big-Girl Panties" (below).
Big-Girl Panties = Being an adult. Summoning one's at-risk maturity to do something unpleasant, to brave adversity, or even to speak to someone who potentially ruined a career of someone near-and-dear. No actual costume change required as fictional undergarments are implied.
BFF = Best Friends Forever. Clearly, there is sarcasm intended when I suggest that NSA (National Security Agency) analysts, who I am certain listen in on some of the Combat Crab-to-Crab Queen rants, er, calls, are my BFFs.
Big Sled Dog = Eldest crablet.Cake vultures = Plural. Persons who happen upon a tasty, frosted baked good and suddenly transform into a well-behaved, eager potential cake-eater. Alas, this behavior often expires with the disappearance of the serving of cake.
Combat Crab = A nifty reference for Ben. It avoids the need to attribute rank; however, he will cease to be called "Combat Crab" when he turns in his "Battle-Rattle."
Commander Crab = Navy rank equivalent to Lieutenant Colonel Crab. With the trading in of a thin stripe for a thicker one (and coloration change of collar insignia) effective 9/8/08, Pa Crab is no longer Major or Lieutenant Commander Crab. Basically, here in the Castle, we like to have as many possible pseudonyms in play at any one time as possible.
The 'Der = (Der) Weinerschnitzel. A fast-food establishment that serves cheap n' cheerful hot-dog-centric fare. The staff of no fewer than TWO locations know me by my order (chili fries with NO CHEESE and a medium Pepsi), which LLGA apparently considers in utero soulfood.
Dumb-ass Doughnuts = Not just for breakfast anymore, these baked goodies are a close culinary cousin and frequent accompaniment to "Jack-ass Juice". Ingestion of said doughnuts grants ingestor the propensity to say dumb things and do dumb things. Example: Remove mandatory spectacles from bridge of nose whilst still under the visual surveillance of one's grandmother and resident "hall monitor!".
Fabuloso (TM) = 1. Trademark-protected, lavender-scented, cleaning product concentrate. 2. GMK's leading weapon in the War Against the "Kids' Bathroom Smells Like Urine", which overwhelms anyone with a functional olfactory system. (As in the "fabulous cleaning product" is WAY more intense than the lingering parfum of Eau des Enfants). 3. Prospective name for LLGA if Sand Crab doesn't rally since the trademark only applies to products for sale, not babies. 4. A basic catch-all reference, intended to imply a "fix" for whatever ails you -- commensurate with Windex (TM) from My Big Fat Greek Wedding in the hands of the father.
GMK = 1. Acronym for Grandma Mary Kay. 2. She Who Has Temporarily but For a Prolonged Period Forfeited a Lifestyle of Carefree Retirement to Slavishly Ply the Boys' Bathroom with Copious Amounts of "Fabuloso" Cleaner, Make Near-Daily Jaunts to Von's Grocery, and Ensure that Any Morsel of Uneaten Food is Lovingly Packaged in Foil or Baggies and Saved in the Back of the Refrigerator for Posterity. All This While Sleeping on a (High-Quality) Leather Sofa Since the Luxurious Raised Queen Aerobed Remains Unshipped By Amazon Despite Its Early July Order Date. 3. Woman Desperately Deserving of a Blog Pseudonym. (Nominations Being Accepted).
Great Pottery Barn Kids (TM) Stocking Debacle (heretofore known as, GPBKSD) = 1. Severe disappointment made worse by the anticipation of a UPS delivery. 2. A promise delivered only in portions...portions guaranteed to drive "Whole Sets Only" Crab Queen into conniptions. 3. Evidence that there's almost always a solution to be found ... just not necessarily able to be produced by someone at a 1-800 phone number. 4. A reason to cry in front of one's mother-in-law. YIKES.
IA = Individual Augmentee, or why Sand Crab is playing Army guy in the sandbox.
J-Crabs = The duo of Jack and Jamie.
LLGA = Lovely Little Girl A--------n. Kudos to Patty Lisa NYC for the acronym that is infinitely speedier to type than the alternative: "inbound and much-heralded female crablet currently still in utero." Kudos to Patty SW for the real down-low: The Little Baby with the Unpronounceable Name.
Major Crab = Yet another pseudonym for our hero, the Sand Crab. Not intended to suggest that he has transferred into the US Army, as he remains a Naval officer.
MOTY = Mother of the Year. A fictitious competition which awards prizes to mothers who, among other criteria:
pick spending time with their offspring on Mother's Day to running to the mall or spa;
enjoy cooking meals for their picky-eater offspring, kneading, mixing, cutting, and generally slaving away with love and good humor;
volunteer endless hours with teachers who do not call the maternal one a b-word in the teacher's lounge;
drive the vanpool and never-never use questionable language or indirect threats toward passengers under the age of majority;
iron their children's clothing for other than special occasions;
tie their children's shoelaces without commenting, "aren't you old enough to have figured this skill out by now?";
have dollar-bills at the ready awaiting last-minute lunch account emergencies, school library fines, and the ice cream truck music from the street outside;
never-ever miss a dose of medicine;
never-ever forget an appointment;
refrain from semi-apoplectic hollering when Sweet Offspring neglect to plan ahead for a massive school project;
have a supply of poster board, tri-fold display boards, glue sticks, markers, colored pencils, scallopped bulletin board edging, and an at-the-ready, brand-new color cartridge just aching to be used to print out internet images and articles;
at all times have healthful snacks available (whether at the park, in the car, in the lunchbox, or in the kitchen) and plentiful choices of same;
tend to their ill children with love and constant surveillance (rather than handing the child a stockpot and getting other things done);
read to their obedient offspring each night with patience and enjoyment;
limit their progeny to one TV show or DVD per week;
firmly but lovingly implement a consistent disciplinary program including taking away that single opportunity at the electronic babysitter (TV) when required;
and
never once has said, "You're lucky to have a house to live in with a family like us!"
OOO = Out of Order. Meaning my blog posting. Occasionally, the behavior of the characters therein.
Sandbox = Iraq or surrounding desert lands, unless reference to Charlie is made and then please assume that he is in a pile of sand right here in So-Cal.
Sand Castle = Our quarters here in military family housing or the place we call home.
Splashdown = Return/Reunion/Homecoming after protracted absence. Significant features include: * Non-deployed spouse will not have evolved into a supermodel, much to the disappointment of deployed spouse; * Exaggerated expectations of the loveliness of one's family members; * Myopic memories of the helpfulness of one's deployed spouse; * Suppressed recollection of how noisy, visually-chaotic and smelly the crablets are; * Development of an overly-ambitious "honey-do" List; * Overwhelming pile of deployment-smelling, all-one-color laundry that will need a home; *Realization that encroachment of closet space and drawers has occurred; * Outward conveyances of both frustration at the encroachment and reversal of encroachment; * Tendency for returning spouse to want to revisit financial decisions (or conduct a casual audit of statements) that can only End Badly; * Overeagerness on part of returning spouse to hook up a Big Orange Chute to the house and offload what has been packratted by non-deploying spouse; and *Reluctance on part of non-deploying spouse to part with packratted items. See also: Countdown.
Therapies = OT is Occupational Therapy; PT is Physical Therapy; SLP is Speech Therapy; ABA is Applied Behavior Analysis (good luck understanding that one); and DTT is Discrete Trial Training (ditto).
Therapists (not defined above) = AT is Assistive Technology; and APE is Adaptive Physical Education (or spec ed PE).
UNSAT = Navy-ese (or perhaps Military-ese) for the word "unsatisfactory." The word is not intended to be uttered, but spat from one's cake-hole. Since you cannot really spit a multi-syllabic word like "un-sat-is-fac-tor-y", it is "Un-SAT". Rhymes with "SPAT". Try it. You'll adopt it into your everyday lexicon in no time flat. (If on the receiving end, take a step back or face the incoming salvo of spittle).
"Virtual Jamie" = Akin to Jack's "mini-me" (aka, Spud), this character entered the Castle on 2/24/09. He is both a virtual buddy AND a potential weapon as he has a long wooden stick extending downward from his grape. But, as an improvement on the actual Jamie, our "Virtual Jamie" doesn't back-talk or scowl -- as a pert smile permanently graces his face. (Sadly, "Virtual Jamie" is not much at putting away laundry or picking up toys...and doesn't have much of a Little League future ahead of him). But he's cheap, cheerful and brings our offspring to an even half-dozen...so he stays until he splinters.
4 comments:
I would be willing to bet my left tit (not right) that there is a climbing merit badge and in the spirit of double dipping challenge you to print out the requirements and come by to pick up a blue card from me in the morning. A good Registered Adult never sleeps.
And you thought I didn't read blogs. Be warned Ben... your time is coming
Rabid PK
I stunned that the fair Kiki did not have the merit badge pamphlet at the ready!
My fair bride alos apprised me of the new "Child Abduction in the Von's Parking Lot" merit badge. Wait, wait, let me muster up a Howard Dean "Hahaaaaaaaa"!
Best, Ben
Great job to the J-Crabs. Looks like I have climbing partners now! My outdoor adventures are looking up, up, up!
L/ Big Daddy Mountain Crab
You are the master, it will take me a cup of coffee which hopefully will not come shooting out my nose from too much laughter, to come up with a fitting response. I knew laughs were genetically passed down... Be safe
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