Another Worry for the Crab Queen

"I can't go back into my trailer...I have another gazillion miles to log!!!" -- Lt. Colonel Crab on June 20, 2009


So Major Crab has promulgated a (secondary) goal of logging 1500 miles during his Tour.
***Ed. note: Since this posting, Major Crab did a downward adjustment to 1200 miles, making him all shell and crumbling meat. Of course, he added a tertiary goal of STREAKING about the IZ before he comes home. This wretched concept will be the focus of a later Crab Queen rant-blog. Please note that Sand Crab's primary goal is to survive the year away from his soulmate! tee, hee ***

Besides the fact that I didn't think PowerPoint platforms were mounted on treadmills, I have had to educate and tweak the dear Sand Crab. (Much of below appears on his Ramblings but I have some quite-reasonable concerns that my pithy, witty, and accurate commentary may meet an unfortunate end called "Delete comment" at the crab claw so I am preserving the comments for posterity ... or at least for the "I told you so" (aka: Wal-Mart) moment)~

First, what is THIS?


Just saw the runner counter (above, on Crab's blog) and, naturally, have something to mention:
Barefoot & almost-nude dude was the best google image you could find?!

In the interest of accuracy...isn't this more realistic?




Then I felt the need to enlighten Major Crab on a teeny consideration called MATHEMATICS.

Story Problem o' the Day:
If Sand Crab can indeed accumulate forward progression on a treadmill (must overcome propensity for sidewise, lurching movements a la arthopods the world 'round), continue to locate a steady supply of functional treadmills, & remain mostly healthy and unmolting,
then how many miles would he reasonably run in a year???

Showing my work:
Given known data of 63 mi./20 days in country = ~ 3 mi./day average.
For 360 days in country @ 3 mi./day, Major (by-then Lt. Col Crab) will have logged about 1,080 miles of sandbox mileage.

Thinking that I didn't want to quelch his dreams, especially only 5% of the way into his tour, I went back and gave him some tips for improving his chances of meeting the goal while perhaps driving the math point home (again):



1. Homer has to morph into Spartan Stud-Crab. Exercise can help but you also have 120-degree days to look forward to enjoying.

While 1500 miles per year in desert conditions is an admirable goal, did you do the math with your cubicle-buddy? I have a master's, I can help!

Sand Crab would need to average 4.25 (or a 42% increase over his current mileage per day) in order to achieve this goal.

Because I like to show my work:
(1500-63)/(360-20) = 4.25
AND
1.25/3 = 41.6666666666667%

***Ed. Update: Even with SmartFanny CrabCake's recent downward adjustment, there is still the matter of a SHORTFALL. Yes, Arithmetic (Logic's Tricky and Calculating Pal) still tells us that 1200-1080 = 120 miles.***

Predictably, Crabby Ben will retort something about "Like Crab Queen Could Run Even One Mile Unassisted and Without Walking A Little Mid-way". True, so true. Then again Crab Queen -- in her fit (and great but not-great-with-crablet) days -- looked like this without becoming a Spokesmodel for a Public Service Announcement regarding the epidemic condition of Hyperhidrosis among obsessive-compulsive runners:



I would also point out that my walking regimen did not leave a trail of these in my wake:


(I know, it's hard to make out the treadmill through the flames!)

We all want a fit, healthy, recognizable Lt. Col. Crab in July 09 -- not this:


A crab so buff it looks like steroids were involved.

Or an injured crab (look at all that gauze!)

Or a Dad-crab that would scare his own children!!

Or, worst of all, a Crab with scrawny, too-much-running, chicken legs!!!!


By Direction,

Micromanager of Dreams from a World Away while I Hold Down the Sand Castle with One Claw Tied Behind My Back (Just to Keep it Sporting!)

P.S. As a nod to the animal-lovers who may view this post, be advised that the coconut, ghost, and other assorted crabs pictured above were not abused, injured, maimed, or otherwise vexed during the production of this blog.