holding down the sand castle: Day 33: A Glorious Day of Minor Conflict

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Day 33: A Glorious Day of Minor Conflict

Man vs. Man: The 3rd Installment of Jack's IEP.
Alas, my desire to continue with the love-in from last Thursday fell dreadfully short. Our progress became mired in the District OT's utter dismissal of Jack's independent OT's findings/recommendations. Then the District SLP played this game about Jack not needing WEEKLY services just "approximately 90 min/wk". (Know that this is not an insignificant amount of service and she is signed up to work on many goals so the notion that she needn't see him the first several weeks of the year, the last several weeks of the year, during standardized testing weeks, etc.) The worst part is that they didn't finish so we have to meet a FOURTH time (June 12).

Man vs. Nature: Crab Queen vs. Mold/Mildew/Dank, Nasty Smell, continued When we last saw our heroine battling the forces of micro-culture, the plumber had verified aforementioned nasty smell but ruled out drain flow as cause. Fast-forward to Thursday afternoon, when a maintenance guy from housing shows up with an industrial blower to put in the bathroom to "blow the smell out", claiming that the Maintenance Supervisor, Michael, had talked to me. (Michael had NOT talked to me). Suspending the fact that this bathroom is about 4x4 ft. and the blower's footprint is at least 4 sq. ft., I take him back and ask how the blower will get rid of the underlying smell-causing culprit (which, to my knowledge, remains undetermined).

Thus follows a circular discussion...
Maintenance Guy: I don't smell anything.
Me: That's because the ventilation fan is on and the door is open and the windows are open.
MG: I still don't smell it.
Me: If you want to smell it, I can close up the room for an hour and you can come back and inhale. Trust me, it's nasty and the plumber smelled it, too.
MG: You should always keep this window open.
Me: Well, since the planet could then watch me shower, that's not happening. I usually have it open otherwise. Well, except when no one's home.
MG: You should have it open all the time! Then, no smell.
Me: Are you saying this is MY fault?
MG: You have to keep the window open. Besides, no evidence that there's moisture problem.
Me: That's interesting, because, to me, the smell of mildew and mold indicates a moisture problem.
MG: Your tile would discolor, the walls would have MORE of this (pointing to a gray patch on the "drywall").
Me: I'm glad you mentioned that because LAST YEAR, when there was mold in this very bathroom, we had white linoleum that had faint gray patches. That's how we realized there was mold underneath the flooring. But then you all replaced the white tile with dark gray linoleum and lookit, we can't possibly see whether there's faint gray discoloration now.
MG: You need to forget about the problems before.
Me: I could except that there were problems before that with this very unit, in this very location.
MG: That doesn't mean there's a moisture problem today.
Me: Which brings us back to the unfortunate issue of the very nasty smell.
MG: Look, [sticking his finger in one spot along the baseboard], it's dry.
Me: That's testing? One spot? No one took a shower in here this morning, of course it's dry.
MG: I don't smell anything.
Me: And I understand that. But I, who live here, do smell something and that something smells bad and wrong.
MG: And I don't see anything.
Me: Yes, we clean the surfaces in the bathroom regularly. And we even flush the toilet. And you all put the enzyme deal down the drain. And we take out the trash.
MG: So I'm supposed to put the fan in here to blow the smell out.
Me: And then what will happen?
MG: I'll come back to check on it.
Me: But you're already saying there's no problem here. So after you blow the fan for ...
MG: A couple of days.
Me: You're going to come back and tell me that the no-problem problem is resolved?
MG: If I still don't smell anything, yes. But I can already tell you there is no moisture problem.
Me: Then what do you attribute the nasty smell to?
MG: I don't smell anything.
Me: My point EXACTLY. If we don't agree there's something to fix, why do anything at all?
MG: My boss told me to come put the fan in the bathroom.
Me: He also told you that he'd already talked to me, which he hasn't.
MG: Maybe you should go talk to him.
MG: Call him please.

So I call Michael and have almost verbatim the same conversation, establishing that Michael's Plan is to blow a fan for a few days and see if that dries out whatever their guy already thinks is dry. Then Michael's Plan is to send same Maintenance Guy, who I normally find quite pleasant, back to check whether there's a smell and whether he sees anything wrong. So then we have about 10-minutes round n' round about the waste-of-time that this will be.

Call Patty Kiki, the Unfortunate Recipient of All Recent Crazy Calls, and establish that Yes, she has smelled the nasty smell and that, Yes, it is most assuredly a moisture smell.

So I, with Patty Kiki's assurance that this is not crazy-cake, kick it up a notch, calling and leaving a message for the Housing Area Manager, Alyce. As I'm leaving the message, Maintenance Guy #2 appears in my doorway with the same fan but a wholly different approach.

MG2: I have no idea what is going on but I'm supposed to put this in a bathroom.
Me: Here you go.
MG2: So there's a smell?
Me: You don't smell it either?
MG2: I smoke so my sense of smell ain't so good.
Me: Well, I'm expecting so mine is on overdrive.
MG2: I believe you.
*** At this the heavens open, birds begin singing, and there is hope for world Peace.***
He re-caulks the toilet, the outside of the tub, fixes a hole in the splash guard, takes clear silicone to seal the bottom of the splash guard, helps me extract the vent fan unit so that I can vacuum and rinse it off, replaces it for me, agrees that we will have to "ricochet" the fan in such a tiny space.

The phone rings. It's Alyce, promising to be there with her Maintenance Super on Monday morning to do moisture test sampling. For the time being, I appear to be gaining the upper hand against the Powers of MicroEvil.

Woman vs. Herself: Book Group Meeting at Patty Grace's Delightful Abode, Crab Queen's Internal Conflict about HOW MANY DESSERTS CAN GO ON HER PLATE AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT WITHOUT DRAWING UNDUE ATTENTION (while considering the rate of consumption of her competitors, I mean fellow book group babes).

I finally reach the positive reinforcer of the day...book group. Having read the book, Blood of Flowers by Anita Amirrezvani, I was unusually poised to not only attend and eat but also -- dare I say -- participate in the conversation. The following caveat was in force: Interspersed throughout the book were fables in italics. Having started the book less than 72 hours prior to the book group, I skipped these fully knowing that the book would be "less rich". Oh, well. It was still a B, maybe a B+.

But for the real dish...ah, the tasties: Strawberries with sour cream/brown sugar dip. Heavenly. Black forest brownies. Divine. Marble cheese cake Petit-fours. Yum. Carmelized onion tartlets. Always just that savory goodness that lets one return to mowing through the sweets. Chocolate truffles. Luxurious. And, for the less well-heeled, which would be this walking stomach, a VON'S cupcake.

Kudos to Patty Grace for a lovely spread, gracious home, and most of all, delightful reprieve from the crablets. (And the gratitude of a conflicted soul for backing up my book recommendation for next month, The Suspicions of Mr. Whicher). :-) I'm hosting and will be at Trader Joe's attempting to achieve a duplication of Patty Grace's epicureal delights.

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Welcome, Newcomers.

The "Sand Gloss" glossary below identifies the cast of characters and may assist in following the antics described herein.

This blog initially began as a "Deployment Journal" -- a way to keep our far-flung family and friends updated about our brood and as a companion to my hubby's own deployment mass-communication.

It has since evolved into more photographic journalism with the birth of Lucy. The "castle" is best understood in chronological order.

"Followers" are most encouraged. (That means you, Patty Grace/Kiki/Triplets!) All, please feel free to contribute; I welcome comments as they are usually wittier and more urbane than my posts.

Sand "Gloss"

Gloss = slang for glossary. I am providing this handy-dandy decoder for those of you who have indicated a need to be educated. I will add to this gloss as questions are forwarded or as new gloss is manufactured.

APC = Aunt Patty Cake. The Queen's younger sister. Technically, we should probably refer to her as "Princess Patty Cake." Definitely in the running for AOTY (Aunt of the Year) nationwide. (For further background information, please see "Patty" entry below).

Ass power = Ass power can be defined as the most powerful form of inertia. It can help you survive a tough class, an ignorant person, or another "worst-case scenario". I suppose you could call it "perseverance" but that's so close to the word "perseverative" and, besides, it's just more fun to incorporate the word "ass" into everyday speech.

"Audacity of Awesomeness" = The title of Sand Crab's fictional work of non-fiction, as coined by Pat Eric. Suggested as an entree to meeting visiting dignitaries (i.e., Senator Obama). Specific usage, "Have you read MY book, The Audacity of Awesomeness?" Meant to suggest that Sand Crab is not only possessing of awesomeness but also that he has audacious amounts of this quality.

A-word = Autism spectrum disorders, any and all, including Pervasive Developmental Disorder, PDD/NOS (not otherwise specified), Autism, Asperger Syndrome, and anything else the DSM creates to describe difficulty with social relatedness, language and acquisition of adaptive skills. Hate the game, not the player.

Big-Boy Briefs = Male equivalent of "Big-Girl Panties" (below).

Big-Girl Panties = Being an adult. Summoning one's at-risk maturity to do something unpleasant, to brave adversity, or even to speak to someone who potentially ruined a career of someone near-and-dear. No actual costume change required as fictional undergarments are implied.

BFF = Best Friends Forever. Clearly, there is sarcasm intended when I suggest that NSA (National Security Agency) analysts, who I am certain listen in on some of the Combat Crab-to-Crab Queen rants, er, calls, are my BFFs.

Big Sled Dog = Eldest crablet.

Cake = Besides being APC's surname (and wouldn't THAT be enough of an honor), in the Crab Queen's opinion, this is Nature's Most Nearly Perfect Food. Hence, worthy (and disasterous) cakes are occasionally inserted in this blog to remind readers of the benefits of a high-frosting diet and the art form that a good cake can offer.

Cake-eyes = Wide-eyed, wildly-euphoric expression. Positively correlated to the presence of a store-bought cake. Believed to be a dominant gene passed along the maternal family line.

Cake vultures = Plural. Persons who happen upon a tasty, frosted baked good and suddenly transform into a well-behaved, eager potential cake-eater. Alas, this behavior often expires with the disappearance of the serving of cake.

Chore = Expected task that crablets will perform in exchange for food, shelter, clothing, transportation, education, extracurricular activities, healthcare, and occasionally candy or sugar-based sodas. Further reinforcement in the article of electronic entertainment, unusual reward, or financial compensation is excluded.

Combat Crab = A nifty reference for Ben. It avoids the need to attribute rank; however, he will cease to be called "Combat Crab" when he turns in his "Battle-Rattle."

Commander Crab = Navy rank equivalent to Lieutenant Colonel Crab. With the trading in of a thin stripe for a thicker one (and coloration change of collar insignia) effective 9/8/08, Pa Crab is no longer Major or Lieutenant Commander Crab. Basically, here in the Castle, we like to have as many possible pseudonyms in play at any one time as possible.

Countdown = See also "Splashdown". Definition #1: To look forward with gleeful anticipation to reunification of Familia Crab. Definition #2: To realistically plan for homecoming by gently, systematically reminding Returning Crab of CQ's fiscally-liberal spending habits and crabby nature; Big Sled Dog's disinclination to Respect the Drywall; J Crab, Sr.'s sheer flakiness; J Crab, Jr's propensity for All Behaviors Surly; Charlie's skills in age-equivalencies; and LLGA's distrust of all adult males.

Crabiot = A crablet acting like an idiot. And by idiot, I mean acting like he's neither met a behavior plan nor remembered the reinforcer (e.g., Wii) he'll be forfeiting.

Crablet = Offspring of Sand Crab & the Missus. Often used in the plural because, as Sand Crab often notes, QUANTITY has a QUALITY all its own!

Crab Queen = Mrs. Crab (me).

The 'Der = (Der) Weinerschnitzel. A fast-food establishment that serves cheap n' cheerful hot-dog-centric fare. The staff of no fewer than TWO locations know me by my order (chili fries with NO CHEESE and a medium Pepsi), which LLGA apparently considers in utero soulfood.

Dumb-ass Doughnuts = Not just for breakfast anymore, these baked goodies are a close culinary cousin and frequent accompaniment to "Jack-ass Juice". Ingestion of said doughnuts grants ingestor the propensity to say dumb things and do dumb things. Example: Remove mandatory spectacles from bridge of nose whilst still under the visual surveillance of one's grandmother and resident "hall monitor!".

Fabuloso (TM) = 1. Trademark-protected, lavender-scented, cleaning product concentrate. 2. GMK's leading weapon in the War Against the "Kids' Bathroom Smells Like Urine", which overwhelms anyone with a functional olfactory system. (As in the "fabulous cleaning product" is WAY more intense than the lingering parfum of Eau des Enfants). 3. Prospective name for LLGA if Sand Crab doesn't rally since the trademark only applies to products for sale, not babies. 4. A basic catch-all reference, intended to imply a "fix" for whatever ails you -- commensurate with Windex (TM) from My Big Fat Greek Wedding in the hands of the father.

GMK = 1. Acronym for Grandma Mary Kay. 2. She Who Has Temporarily but For a Prolonged Period Forfeited a Lifestyle of Carefree Retirement to Slavishly Ply the Boys' Bathroom with Copious Amounts of "Fabuloso" Cleaner, Make Near-Daily Jaunts to Von's Grocery, and Ensure that Any Morsel of Uneaten Food is Lovingly Packaged in Foil or Baggies and Saved in the Back of the Refrigerator for Posterity. All This While Sleeping on a (High-Quality) Leather Sofa Since the Luxurious Raised Queen Aerobed Remains Unshipped By Amazon Despite Its Early July Order Date. 3. Woman Desperately Deserving of a Blog Pseudonym. (Nominations Being Accepted).

Great Pottery Barn Kids (TM) Stocking Debacle (heretofore known as, GPBKSD) = 1. Severe disappointment made worse by the anticipation of a UPS delivery. 2. A promise delivered only in portions...portions guaranteed to drive "Whole Sets Only" Crab Queen into conniptions. 3. Evidence that there's almost always a solution to be found ... just not necessarily able to be produced by someone at a 1-800 phone number. 4. A reason to cry in front of one's mother-in-law. YIKES.

IA = Individual Augmentee, or why Sand Crab is playing Army guy in the sandbox.

IEP = Individualized Educational Program. What the District promises to provide each special education student, under federal law (called the IDEA), will be provided in order for the student to receive a FAPE (free appropriate public education). Entails lots of paper, meetings, and heartburn.

Jack-Ass Juice = What crablets and their pals drink that incites acts of pure stupidity. Something other than genetics or poor child-rearing to explain inane behavior, opinion, or statement exuding from one's offspring. Credit to Patty Grace's Great-Uncle?

J-Crabs = The duo of Jack and Jamie.

LLGA = Lovely Little Girl A--------n. Kudos to Patty Lisa NYC for the acronym that is infinitely speedier to type than the alternative: "inbound and much-heralded female crablet currently still in utero." Kudos to Patty SW for the real down-low: The Little Baby with the Unpronounceable Name.

Major Crab = Yet another pseudonym for our hero, the Sand Crab. Not intended to suggest that he has transferred into the US Army, as he remains a Naval officer.

MOTY = Mother of the Year. A fictitious competition which awards prizes to mothers who, among other criteria:
pick spending time with their offspring on Mother's Day to running to the mall or spa;
enjoy cooking meals for their picky-eater offspring, kneading, mixing, cutting, and generally slaving away with love and good humor;
volunteer endless hours with teachers who do not call the maternal one a b-word in the teacher's lounge;
drive the vanpool and never-never use questionable language or indirect threats toward passengers under the age of majority;
iron their children's clothing for other than special occasions;
tie their children's shoelaces without commenting, "aren't you old enough to have figured this skill out by now?";
have dollar-bills at the ready awaiting last-minute lunch account emergencies, school library fines, and the ice cream truck music from the street outside;
never-ever miss a dose of medicine;
never-ever forget an appointment;
refrain from semi-apoplectic hollering when Sweet Offspring neglect to plan ahead for a massive school project;
have a supply of poster board, tri-fold display boards, glue sticks, markers, colored pencils, scallopped bulletin board edging, and an at-the-ready, brand-new color cartridge just aching to be used to print out internet images and articles;
at all times have healthful snacks available (whether at the park, in the car, in the lunchbox, or in the kitchen) and plentiful choices of same;
tend to their ill children with love and constant surveillance (rather than handing the child a stockpot and getting other things done);
read to their obedient offspring each night with patience and enjoyment;
limit their progeny to one TV show or DVD per week;
firmly but lovingly implement a consistent disciplinary program including taking away that single opportunity at the electronic babysitter (TV) when required;
and
never once has said, "You're lucky to have a house to live in with a family like us!"

Mouse-piss = GMK's husband's euphemism for the omnipresent-in-the-Castle 32-oz. bottles of Target-brand (TM) hand sanitizer.

Nguyen = Certifiably crazy parking troll; verbal altercation was topic of posting c. May 27th.

OOO = Out of Order. Meaning my blog posting. Occasionally, the behavior of the characters therein.

Pat ____ = Characters of the male persuasion that make more than one appearance in this blog and that I find easier to nickname than to describe. (Exceptions: Darrin, because to nickname him would dilute the power of his given name; Pate, because he's worn an Easter Bunny costume in the name of A------n children joy; and Patrick, because, Pat Pat just sounds wrong).

Patty ____ = Female characters that make somewhat routine appearances in this blog. See definition of Pat. (Example: Aunt Patty Cake, who is indeed an aunt to crablets).

PITA = Acronym for "Pain in the Arse". Probably should've been PITS (pain in the shell) but I wasn't clever enough. Besides, Pita rhymes with Rita!

Plague = Just what it sounds like. Any curse, infestation, illness, misfortune, significant inconvenience, malady, et cetera that afflicts the Family Crab courtesy of the lightning rod of bad luck affixed to our roof OR the cold, hard fact that Sand Crab's real name is Job.

POA = Power Of Attorney. That document that sets me apart from just a wife ... changing me into COMNAVWIFEPAC, a woman able to leap small buildings, tackle medium problems, and buy BIG ticket items (vans, houses, LAND).

Potato/Spud/Tuber = Reference to the World's Dumbest Sex Ed (oh, I mean "Family Life") Project in which Jack had to carry around a 'tater in a shoe box for weeks.

Roundinia = A mystical, magical land where one's social status is positively correlated to the apple-ness of one's cheeks. In short, a place where Lucy is the ruler of all she surveys and her bidding is done, spit-spot, in order to elicit a grin.

Sand = Except when used with "box" and "castle", a place-holding word for any one of numerous expletives. After all, this is a Family Blog. Usage includes: singular or plural noun, verb, adjective, and even adverb. Often used with hyphens to convey extra-gritty adventures.

Sandbox = Iraq or surrounding desert lands, unless reference to Charlie is made and then please assume that he is in a pile of sand right here in So-Cal.

Sand Castle = Our quarters here in military family housing or the place we call home.

Splashdown = Return/Reunion/Homecoming after protracted absence. Significant features include: * Non-deployed spouse will not have evolved into a supermodel, much to the disappointment of deployed spouse; * Exaggerated expectations of the loveliness of one's family members; * Myopic memories of the helpfulness of one's deployed spouse; * Suppressed recollection of how noisy, visually-chaotic and smelly the crablets are; * Development of an overly-ambitious "honey-do" List; * Overwhelming pile of deployment-smelling, all-one-color laundry that will need a home; *Realization that encroachment of closet space and drawers has occurred; * Outward conveyances of both frustration at the encroachment and reversal of encroachment; * Tendency for returning spouse to want to revisit financial decisions (or conduct a casual audit of statements) that can only End Badly; * Overeagerness on part of returning spouse to hook up a Big Orange Chute to the house and offload what has been packratted by non-deploying spouse; and *Reluctance on part of non-deploying spouse to part with packratted items. See also: Countdown.

Therapies = OT is Occupational Therapy; PT is Physical Therapy; SLP is Speech Therapy; ABA is Applied Behavior Analysis (good luck understanding that one); and DTT is Discrete Trial Training (ditto).

Therapists (not defined above) = AT is Assistive Technology; and APE is Adaptive Physical Education (or spec ed PE).

UNSAT = Navy-ese (or perhaps Military-ese) for the word "unsatisfactory." The word is not intended to be uttered, but spat from one's cake-hole. Since you cannot really spit a multi-syllabic word like "un-sat-is-fac-tor-y", it is "Un-SAT". Rhymes with "SPAT". Try it. You'll adopt it into your everyday lexicon in no time flat. (If on the receiving end, take a step back or face the incoming salvo of spittle).

"Virtual Jamie" = Akin to Jack's "mini-me" (aka, Spud), this character entered the Castle on 2/24/09. He is both a virtual buddy AND a potential weapon as he has a long wooden stick extending downward from his grape. But, as an improvement on the actual Jamie, our "Virtual Jamie" doesn't back-talk or scowl -- as a pert smile permanently graces his face. (Sadly, "Virtual Jamie" is not much at putting away laundry or picking up toys...and doesn't have much of a Little League future ahead of him). But he's cheap, cheerful and brings our offspring to an even half-dozen...so he stays until he splinters.

Wal-Mart (TM) Moment = Represents the most-public of "told-you-so" moments. Let's say that you get into a verbal banter with one's spouse or immediate family member. Let's say that the spouse or immediate family member has taken a position that is so ridiculous or patently false that it causes beyond normal levels of consternation and cannot be let go without providing hard, irrefutable evidence that, for lack of better description: "I'm right, s/he's wrong." So to provide indemnification for the slighted party (i.e., the one who was right and had to endure massive annoyance over the other party being STOOPID), the K------a family has arrived at a (as-yet theoretical) fix: The Wal-Mart (TM) Moment. Now for the "How-to" part of the definition...First, family piles into various vehicles with destination of Wal-Mart (TM)'s parking lot.
Second, family spreads out throughout lot to notify the loiterers and other lingering greater public that there is about to be a give-away of Copenhagen (or Skoal) chewing tobacco (and provides the coordinates of the proved-correct and proved-wrong parties). Third, once a reasonable crowd of chew-longing persons has assembled, the right party (again, theoretically) would have his/her hiney kissed by the wrong party. Fourth, as additional justice, everyone points at the wrong party and says the whole Copenhagen Stunt was his/her idea and they face an aggrieved throng of deprived nicotine-cravers. The issue of whether a winter-on-the-frozen-tundra Wal-Mart (TM) moment is equitable was decided that while the spectators are somewhat less enthusiastic and numerous, the wind chill factor compensates. In winter conditions, (again theoretically), the wrong party is required to drop trou and the right party remains bundled in umpteen layers.

Wii = Electronic gaming system, manufactured by Nintendo, with various games and accessories available. Retails at $350 or so, depending on where you can actually find it in stock. Essentially, the procurement of said item would be a J-Crabs' Dream-Come-True and, thus, will not. (Amended definition: Purchased for $250 by one S. Claus. The Dream-Came-True but is frequently in Time-Out).

Care Packages for Sand Crab?

Please note NEW address again (effective 10/2008):

CDR Ben A--------n
HQs, MNF-I CJ5
APO AE 09342

Did you know?

USPS offers a package of free packing materials, including 10 boxes, 10 customs forms with envelopes, 10 "Mili-Pac" shipping envelopes, which are specially printed to reflect the complexities of military mailing addresses, and a roll of Priority Mail tape.

To order the special kit, call (800) 610-8734 and request Care Kit 4. The Postal Service will ship it by Priority Mail, with delivery generally within a couple of days.

Although the packing materials are free, shippers must still pay normal postage costs.