holding down the sand castle: My Kingdom -- in fact, any real assets that I can reasonably obtain and give away -- for a NAP!!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

My Kingdom -- in fact, any real assets that I can reasonably obtain and give away -- for a NAP!!!

The Crab Queen awakened still troubled by a matter Unfit for Blogging. Talked to APC by phone and the Crab Queen's ma (who was still installed on the Great Livingroom Monument (aka, the Aerobed)) trying to un-spin. This was really far too early for a Sunday during R & R.

If you haaaaaaaaaaave met any of my offspring, they collectively have never encountered an o-dark-thirty that wasn't worth entertaining with their personalities so soon enough my people were doing what they do best: foraging.

Weighed and otherwise considered the pros/cons of Mass attendance. Taking a couple ticks off my long-term lease in Purgatory versus suffering in a Dante-esque GMK, real-time nagfest. If you've met GMK, you know I did what any rational person would do: Yield to the superior vector and drag my happy fanny to church.

Ben had Charlie detail, which was indeed a Blessing. I had Tim and LLGA. LLGA, despite an extended dance-mix pre-Mass nursing, decided that there was quite a bit of novel surroundings given the cold, hard fact that she hasn't graced the pew all that many times yet. By the offeratory, she was snoozing, leaving me just the drool-wipe prompting and intermittent horror-diversion that goes with Tim having had sweatpants ok'd by the Sand Crab as Mass attire. That leaves boy-parts WAY too out there for readjustment. He may be 14, he may be 5'10", but he's still just not convinced the parts are still there at any given moment -- especially when he has to kneel, stand, sit, and repeat once more with FEELING. (PUN INTENDED). Oh, wait, I did interfere with not one, but TWO attempts at finger-flicking (with the favored middle digit) at the pipe organ. I can pray and manage behavior. Of many, including the two J-crabs that apparently guzzled Jack-ass Juice (smuggled in by the juice's namesake) midway through the Mass.

Highlight (and I use that term graciously) of Mass was Tim clapping and CLOGGING to some Celtic-type recessional hymn. Lord, save your People, especially mine.

Lowlight was getting the family loaded back into the van, not for the weak of soul, and having Jamie report that Jack said "many bad words in the God' House". Me, being me, asked which ones. Found out that one word was uttered in a repetitive manner. Not a particularly impressive word so Jack continues his primary missions on Earth: exchange O2 for CO2 and drive his mother to the brink.

Home again to discover that GMK, left to her own devices (since she Mass-attended last night CONVINCED that despite the gridlock in our nation's airlines due to cruddy weather, she would need to leave before 10 a.m. to meet my dad at the airport) still glued to aa.com albeit not assisting in getting him here any quicker. (As I type this at 2:32 p.m. PT, she is casually arranged on the couch as he is not due to arrive for at least 2 more hours).

Ben is spending his R & R in the kitchen. By choice. He whipped up pancakes and sausage, which was tasty. By early afternoon, Lucy and I were both in that post-prandial haze usually reserved for Thanksgiving turkey dinner with a cocktail of NFL football. I uttered the words to my beloved, otherwise-doting spouse, "I would like to take a nap." Being male -- meaning he hears every third word "would...take" and fills in the gaps with a preferred message: Ben drives to the grocery store with Tim, doesn't pass the message to GMK, and leaves the other three boys without direction. This translates into no fewer than 4 interruptions by Charlie, two bellowings by me "Ben, could you get Charlie a drink of water?" directed to an adult NO LONGER IN THE HOUSE, and GMK happily interacting with the wide, wide world of aa.com (where she can witness each/every 10-minute incremental delay in Dad's flight progress). Finally, after Charlie backs into the door jamb and starts screaming that he needs "eyez pack! eyez pack!" -- remember I still believe 2 adults are allowing Charlie's flagrant violation of the Code of the Nap, I mount my broom and fly into that terrible land of Exhausted Enragement.

By the time Ben returns with Tim, the house has fallen into the eerie silence that follows a Mom-Spaz. I got all of 11 uninterrupted minutes of peace and quiet. Hell hath no fury like a girl deprived of well-earned siesta.

Maybe tomorrow...I mean we've only got all the kids home from school. Sigh.

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Welcome, Newcomers.

The "Sand Gloss" glossary below identifies the cast of characters and may assist in following the antics described herein.

This blog initially began as a "Deployment Journal" -- a way to keep our far-flung family and friends updated about our brood and as a companion to my hubby's own deployment mass-communication.

It has since evolved into more photographic journalism with the birth of Lucy. The "castle" is best understood in chronological order.

"Followers" are most encouraged. (That means you, Patty Grace/Kiki/Triplets!) All, please feel free to contribute; I welcome comments as they are usually wittier and more urbane than my posts.

Sand "Gloss"

Gloss = slang for glossary. I am providing this handy-dandy decoder for those of you who have indicated a need to be educated. I will add to this gloss as questions are forwarded or as new gloss is manufactured.

APC = Aunt Patty Cake. The Queen's younger sister. Technically, we should probably refer to her as "Princess Patty Cake." Definitely in the running for AOTY (Aunt of the Year) nationwide. (For further background information, please see "Patty" entry below).

Ass power = Ass power can be defined as the most powerful form of inertia. It can help you survive a tough class, an ignorant person, or another "worst-case scenario". I suppose you could call it "perseverance" but that's so close to the word "perseverative" and, besides, it's just more fun to incorporate the word "ass" into everyday speech.

"Audacity of Awesomeness" = The title of Sand Crab's fictional work of non-fiction, as coined by Pat Eric. Suggested as an entree to meeting visiting dignitaries (i.e., Senator Obama). Specific usage, "Have you read MY book, The Audacity of Awesomeness?" Meant to suggest that Sand Crab is not only possessing of awesomeness but also that he has audacious amounts of this quality.

A-word = Autism spectrum disorders, any and all, including Pervasive Developmental Disorder, PDD/NOS (not otherwise specified), Autism, Asperger Syndrome, and anything else the DSM creates to describe difficulty with social relatedness, language and acquisition of adaptive skills. Hate the game, not the player.

Big-Boy Briefs = Male equivalent of "Big-Girl Panties" (below).

Big-Girl Panties = Being an adult. Summoning one's at-risk maturity to do something unpleasant, to brave adversity, or even to speak to someone who potentially ruined a career of someone near-and-dear. No actual costume change required as fictional undergarments are implied.

BFF = Best Friends Forever. Clearly, there is sarcasm intended when I suggest that NSA (National Security Agency) analysts, who I am certain listen in on some of the Combat Crab-to-Crab Queen rants, er, calls, are my BFFs.

Big Sled Dog = Eldest crablet.

Cake = Besides being APC's surname (and wouldn't THAT be enough of an honor), in the Crab Queen's opinion, this is Nature's Most Nearly Perfect Food. Hence, worthy (and disasterous) cakes are occasionally inserted in this blog to remind readers of the benefits of a high-frosting diet and the art form that a good cake can offer.

Cake-eyes = Wide-eyed, wildly-euphoric expression. Positively correlated to the presence of a store-bought cake. Believed to be a dominant gene passed along the maternal family line.

Cake vultures = Plural. Persons who happen upon a tasty, frosted baked good and suddenly transform into a well-behaved, eager potential cake-eater. Alas, this behavior often expires with the disappearance of the serving of cake.

Chore = Expected task that crablets will perform in exchange for food, shelter, clothing, transportation, education, extracurricular activities, healthcare, and occasionally candy or sugar-based sodas. Further reinforcement in the article of electronic entertainment, unusual reward, or financial compensation is excluded.

Combat Crab = A nifty reference for Ben. It avoids the need to attribute rank; however, he will cease to be called "Combat Crab" when he turns in his "Battle-Rattle."

Commander Crab = Navy rank equivalent to Lieutenant Colonel Crab. With the trading in of a thin stripe for a thicker one (and coloration change of collar insignia) effective 9/8/08, Pa Crab is no longer Major or Lieutenant Commander Crab. Basically, here in the Castle, we like to have as many possible pseudonyms in play at any one time as possible.

Countdown = See also "Splashdown". Definition #1: To look forward with gleeful anticipation to reunification of Familia Crab. Definition #2: To realistically plan for homecoming by gently, systematically reminding Returning Crab of CQ's fiscally-liberal spending habits and crabby nature; Big Sled Dog's disinclination to Respect the Drywall; J Crab, Sr.'s sheer flakiness; J Crab, Jr's propensity for All Behaviors Surly; Charlie's skills in age-equivalencies; and LLGA's distrust of all adult males.

Crabiot = A crablet acting like an idiot. And by idiot, I mean acting like he's neither met a behavior plan nor remembered the reinforcer (e.g., Wii) he'll be forfeiting.

Crablet = Offspring of Sand Crab & the Missus. Often used in the plural because, as Sand Crab often notes, QUANTITY has a QUALITY all its own!

Crab Queen = Mrs. Crab (me).

The 'Der = (Der) Weinerschnitzel. A fast-food establishment that serves cheap n' cheerful hot-dog-centric fare. The staff of no fewer than TWO locations know me by my order (chili fries with NO CHEESE and a medium Pepsi), which LLGA apparently considers in utero soulfood.

Dumb-ass Doughnuts = Not just for breakfast anymore, these baked goodies are a close culinary cousin and frequent accompaniment to "Jack-ass Juice". Ingestion of said doughnuts grants ingestor the propensity to say dumb things and do dumb things. Example: Remove mandatory spectacles from bridge of nose whilst still under the visual surveillance of one's grandmother and resident "hall monitor!".

Fabuloso (TM) = 1. Trademark-protected, lavender-scented, cleaning product concentrate. 2. GMK's leading weapon in the War Against the "Kids' Bathroom Smells Like Urine", which overwhelms anyone with a functional olfactory system. (As in the "fabulous cleaning product" is WAY more intense than the lingering parfum of Eau des Enfants). 3. Prospective name for LLGA if Sand Crab doesn't rally since the trademark only applies to products for sale, not babies. 4. A basic catch-all reference, intended to imply a "fix" for whatever ails you -- commensurate with Windex (TM) from My Big Fat Greek Wedding in the hands of the father.

GMK = 1. Acronym for Grandma Mary Kay. 2. She Who Has Temporarily but For a Prolonged Period Forfeited a Lifestyle of Carefree Retirement to Slavishly Ply the Boys' Bathroom with Copious Amounts of "Fabuloso" Cleaner, Make Near-Daily Jaunts to Von's Grocery, and Ensure that Any Morsel of Uneaten Food is Lovingly Packaged in Foil or Baggies and Saved in the Back of the Refrigerator for Posterity. All This While Sleeping on a (High-Quality) Leather Sofa Since the Luxurious Raised Queen Aerobed Remains Unshipped By Amazon Despite Its Early July Order Date. 3. Woman Desperately Deserving of a Blog Pseudonym. (Nominations Being Accepted).

Great Pottery Barn Kids (TM) Stocking Debacle (heretofore known as, GPBKSD) = 1. Severe disappointment made worse by the anticipation of a UPS delivery. 2. A promise delivered only in portions...portions guaranteed to drive "Whole Sets Only" Crab Queen into conniptions. 3. Evidence that there's almost always a solution to be found ... just not necessarily able to be produced by someone at a 1-800 phone number. 4. A reason to cry in front of one's mother-in-law. YIKES.

IA = Individual Augmentee, or why Sand Crab is playing Army guy in the sandbox.

IEP = Individualized Educational Program. What the District promises to provide each special education student, under federal law (called the IDEA), will be provided in order for the student to receive a FAPE (free appropriate public education). Entails lots of paper, meetings, and heartburn.

Jack-Ass Juice = What crablets and their pals drink that incites acts of pure stupidity. Something other than genetics or poor child-rearing to explain inane behavior, opinion, or statement exuding from one's offspring. Credit to Patty Grace's Great-Uncle?

J-Crabs = The duo of Jack and Jamie.

LLGA = Lovely Little Girl A--------n. Kudos to Patty Lisa NYC for the acronym that is infinitely speedier to type than the alternative: "inbound and much-heralded female crablet currently still in utero." Kudos to Patty SW for the real down-low: The Little Baby with the Unpronounceable Name.

Major Crab = Yet another pseudonym for our hero, the Sand Crab. Not intended to suggest that he has transferred into the US Army, as he remains a Naval officer.

MOTY = Mother of the Year. A fictitious competition which awards prizes to mothers who, among other criteria:
pick spending time with their offspring on Mother's Day to running to the mall or spa;
enjoy cooking meals for their picky-eater offspring, kneading, mixing, cutting, and generally slaving away with love and good humor;
volunteer endless hours with teachers who do not call the maternal one a b-word in the teacher's lounge;
drive the vanpool and never-never use questionable language or indirect threats toward passengers under the age of majority;
iron their children's clothing for other than special occasions;
tie their children's shoelaces without commenting, "aren't you old enough to have figured this skill out by now?";
have dollar-bills at the ready awaiting last-minute lunch account emergencies, school library fines, and the ice cream truck music from the street outside;
never-ever miss a dose of medicine;
never-ever forget an appointment;
refrain from semi-apoplectic hollering when Sweet Offspring neglect to plan ahead for a massive school project;
have a supply of poster board, tri-fold display boards, glue sticks, markers, colored pencils, scallopped bulletin board edging, and an at-the-ready, brand-new color cartridge just aching to be used to print out internet images and articles;
at all times have healthful snacks available (whether at the park, in the car, in the lunchbox, or in the kitchen) and plentiful choices of same;
tend to their ill children with love and constant surveillance (rather than handing the child a stockpot and getting other things done);
read to their obedient offspring each night with patience and enjoyment;
limit their progeny to one TV show or DVD per week;
firmly but lovingly implement a consistent disciplinary program including taking away that single opportunity at the electronic babysitter (TV) when required;
and
never once has said, "You're lucky to have a house to live in with a family like us!"

Mouse-piss = GMK's husband's euphemism for the omnipresent-in-the-Castle 32-oz. bottles of Target-brand (TM) hand sanitizer.

Nguyen = Certifiably crazy parking troll; verbal altercation was topic of posting c. May 27th.

OOO = Out of Order. Meaning my blog posting. Occasionally, the behavior of the characters therein.

Pat ____ = Characters of the male persuasion that make more than one appearance in this blog and that I find easier to nickname than to describe. (Exceptions: Darrin, because to nickname him would dilute the power of his given name; Pate, because he's worn an Easter Bunny costume in the name of A------n children joy; and Patrick, because, Pat Pat just sounds wrong).

Patty ____ = Female characters that make somewhat routine appearances in this blog. See definition of Pat. (Example: Aunt Patty Cake, who is indeed an aunt to crablets).

PITA = Acronym for "Pain in the Arse". Probably should've been PITS (pain in the shell) but I wasn't clever enough. Besides, Pita rhymes with Rita!

Plague = Just what it sounds like. Any curse, infestation, illness, misfortune, significant inconvenience, malady, et cetera that afflicts the Family Crab courtesy of the lightning rod of bad luck affixed to our roof OR the cold, hard fact that Sand Crab's real name is Job.

POA = Power Of Attorney. That document that sets me apart from just a wife ... changing me into COMNAVWIFEPAC, a woman able to leap small buildings, tackle medium problems, and buy BIG ticket items (vans, houses, LAND).

Potato/Spud/Tuber = Reference to the World's Dumbest Sex Ed (oh, I mean "Family Life") Project in which Jack had to carry around a 'tater in a shoe box for weeks.

Roundinia = A mystical, magical land where one's social status is positively correlated to the apple-ness of one's cheeks. In short, a place where Lucy is the ruler of all she surveys and her bidding is done, spit-spot, in order to elicit a grin.

Sand = Except when used with "box" and "castle", a place-holding word for any one of numerous expletives. After all, this is a Family Blog. Usage includes: singular or plural noun, verb, adjective, and even adverb. Often used with hyphens to convey extra-gritty adventures.

Sandbox = Iraq or surrounding desert lands, unless reference to Charlie is made and then please assume that he is in a pile of sand right here in So-Cal.

Sand Castle = Our quarters here in military family housing or the place we call home.

Splashdown = Return/Reunion/Homecoming after protracted absence. Significant features include: * Non-deployed spouse will not have evolved into a supermodel, much to the disappointment of deployed spouse; * Exaggerated expectations of the loveliness of one's family members; * Myopic memories of the helpfulness of one's deployed spouse; * Suppressed recollection of how noisy, visually-chaotic and smelly the crablets are; * Development of an overly-ambitious "honey-do" List; * Overwhelming pile of deployment-smelling, all-one-color laundry that will need a home; *Realization that encroachment of closet space and drawers has occurred; * Outward conveyances of both frustration at the encroachment and reversal of encroachment; * Tendency for returning spouse to want to revisit financial decisions (or conduct a casual audit of statements) that can only End Badly; * Overeagerness on part of returning spouse to hook up a Big Orange Chute to the house and offload what has been packratted by non-deploying spouse; and *Reluctance on part of non-deploying spouse to part with packratted items. See also: Countdown.

Therapies = OT is Occupational Therapy; PT is Physical Therapy; SLP is Speech Therapy; ABA is Applied Behavior Analysis (good luck understanding that one); and DTT is Discrete Trial Training (ditto).

Therapists (not defined above) = AT is Assistive Technology; and APE is Adaptive Physical Education (or spec ed PE).

UNSAT = Navy-ese (or perhaps Military-ese) for the word "unsatisfactory." The word is not intended to be uttered, but spat from one's cake-hole. Since you cannot really spit a multi-syllabic word like "un-sat-is-fac-tor-y", it is "Un-SAT". Rhymes with "SPAT". Try it. You'll adopt it into your everyday lexicon in no time flat. (If on the receiving end, take a step back or face the incoming salvo of spittle).

"Virtual Jamie" = Akin to Jack's "mini-me" (aka, Spud), this character entered the Castle on 2/24/09. He is both a virtual buddy AND a potential weapon as he has a long wooden stick extending downward from his grape. But, as an improvement on the actual Jamie, our "Virtual Jamie" doesn't back-talk or scowl -- as a pert smile permanently graces his face. (Sadly, "Virtual Jamie" is not much at putting away laundry or picking up toys...and doesn't have much of a Little League future ahead of him). But he's cheap, cheerful and brings our offspring to an even half-dozen...so he stays until he splinters.

Wal-Mart (TM) Moment = Represents the most-public of "told-you-so" moments. Let's say that you get into a verbal banter with one's spouse or immediate family member. Let's say that the spouse or immediate family member has taken a position that is so ridiculous or patently false that it causes beyond normal levels of consternation and cannot be let go without providing hard, irrefutable evidence that, for lack of better description: "I'm right, s/he's wrong." So to provide indemnification for the slighted party (i.e., the one who was right and had to endure massive annoyance over the other party being STOOPID), the K------a family has arrived at a (as-yet theoretical) fix: The Wal-Mart (TM) Moment. Now for the "How-to" part of the definition...First, family piles into various vehicles with destination of Wal-Mart (TM)'s parking lot.
Second, family spreads out throughout lot to notify the loiterers and other lingering greater public that there is about to be a give-away of Copenhagen (or Skoal) chewing tobacco (and provides the coordinates of the proved-correct and proved-wrong parties). Third, once a reasonable crowd of chew-longing persons has assembled, the right party (again, theoretically) would have his/her hiney kissed by the wrong party. Fourth, as additional justice, everyone points at the wrong party and says the whole Copenhagen Stunt was his/her idea and they face an aggrieved throng of deprived nicotine-cravers. The issue of whether a winter-on-the-frozen-tundra Wal-Mart (TM) moment is equitable was decided that while the spectators are somewhat less enthusiastic and numerous, the wind chill factor compensates. In winter conditions, (again theoretically), the wrong party is required to drop trou and the right party remains bundled in umpteen layers.

Wii = Electronic gaming system, manufactured by Nintendo, with various games and accessories available. Retails at $350 or so, depending on where you can actually find it in stock. Essentially, the procurement of said item would be a J-Crabs' Dream-Come-True and, thus, will not. (Amended definition: Purchased for $250 by one S. Claus. The Dream-Came-True but is frequently in Time-Out).

Care Packages for Sand Crab?

Please note NEW address again (effective 10/2008):

CDR Ben A--------n
HQs, MNF-I CJ5
APO AE 09342

Did you know?

USPS offers a package of free packing materials, including 10 boxes, 10 customs forms with envelopes, 10 "Mili-Pac" shipping envelopes, which are specially printed to reflect the complexities of military mailing addresses, and a roll of Priority Mail tape.

To order the special kit, call (800) 610-8734 and request Care Kit 4. The Postal Service will ship it by Priority Mail, with delivery generally within a couple of days.

Although the packing materials are free, shippers must still pay normal postage costs.